I'm letting someone stay with me for a month--we're trading my guest room for personal training (although I have a bad enough injury, I may have to take a raincheck on the personal training). She is a sweetie I've known for a few years, but I also see my constant apologizing exaggerated in her. She literally apologizes for nearly everything. I had someone coming to clean today and found her dusting before the cleaning person got here, and she apologized for it! I tried to tell her that she doesn't need to apologize so much and how I've struggled with that, and she apologized for apologizing. And I've done that too!! But not for maybe a decade.
It's interesting because she and I are very different--she was very successful at doing the girly-thing and I was never good at that. I was pretty darn successful at my career, and she wasn't so good at that. But now, she's 57 and she looks amazing for her age, but she's 57. She still is a size 2 with long blond hair and a great figure, but she can't get by on her cute appearance with the guys anymore. Thus, I think, the personal training with women who are amazed at how good she looks for her age. But $50 an hour on a piecemeal basis is a hard life when you don't have health insurance and the rest. Men were always happy to support her 30 years ago, even, I think 15 years ago. Now she is piecing together gigs, basically living a month at a time and she doesn't know how the hell she'll survive in 10 years. I am in a much more solid financial position than her.
As I've gotten stronger in the rest of my life, I apologize less. As she has gotten more precarious in her looks, she apologizes more. But I think, from both ends, it is apologizing for not meeting an arbitrary standard of the male gaze. I can't say I'm wiser than her--who the hell would I be if I'd been cute when I was younger? But I wouldn't trade my life for hers now. Maybe if I could have had 30 years of being adored, but I don't think so. I SO wish I had been adored by a man that I fell in love with. But I look at her life, lived around that, when it didn't work the way she hoped, and I'm grateful it wasn't an easy option for me.
One of my friends, who is also struggling with being early 40s and single, says I shouldn't say "I'm not going to meet someone" I should say "I may not meet someone." And I can see her wisdom, but I don't know how to build a life with the latter. If I can accept the former, it feels like it would make an easier life. But who am I kidding--I have two first dates already for the next couple of weeks, probably a third over Christmas (a guy who once again claims he'd move here to be with me--why do I always fall for that line?) and several more men I'm chatting with. Clearly, I put energy into meeting someone. Right now, though, it feels like a long-shot.
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