I rarely remember my dreams, but for the last couple of weeks, I've remembered a dream more nights than not, and they are all the same theme--I've done something wrong at work that I didn't realize was wrong. I was sick this week and missed a day--I had a dream that a supervisor at work accused me of faking being ill; the following day I went to work and that night I had a dream that a supervisor claimed I had ebola and was infecting everyone--stupid shit like that, where I can't win (in my dreams) no matter what I do. I am also under a huge amount of stress at work right now. I'm being considered for a board, and if I get that, I will have a level of say in the organization and security that is unlike anything I've ever known. If I don't get it, I will have to leave the organization, and if I don't, I may very well move to another city. All signs indicate yes, but it is still a huge amount of stress. During my waking hours, I'm fine. Intellectually, I think this will happen. But clearly part of me is freaked the heck out if it is defining every dream I remember.
I have a history of a couple of run-ins at work. I've never been fired at a job (with the single exception of a telephone solicitation job 25 years ago, where I wasn't aggressive enough and deeply uncomfortable at calling people), but about a decade ago, a boss went after me, in a really, really weird way. It was clear the board wasn't going with him automatically; they thought it was weird too. But I left the job--it wasn't a job worth fighting for. 4 years ago, something similar happened (at the organization I'm at now) and I fought and the organization removed that supervisor. I volunteer for this other organization, and there are a dozen people there that hate me. (Although I think they're really just mad at math and I'm the one who does the math.) But there are more who love me. I do have rough edges, but once I get past those edges I have a lot of support. But there are precedents for me being freaked out about work, and this is the highest-stake thing I've ever gone for.
I have a history of a couple of run-ins at work. I've never been fired at a job (with the single exception of a telephone solicitation job 25 years ago, where I wasn't aggressive enough and deeply uncomfortable at calling people), but about a decade ago, a boss went after me, in a really, really weird way. It was clear the board wasn't going with him automatically; they thought it was weird too. But I left the job--it wasn't a job worth fighting for. 4 years ago, something similar happened (at the organization I'm at now) and I fought and the organization removed that supervisor. I volunteer for this other organization, and there are a dozen people there that hate me. (Although I think they're really just mad at math and I'm the one who does the math.) But there are more who love me. I do have rough edges, but once I get past those edges I have a lot of support. But there are precedents for me being freaked out about work, and this is the highest-stake thing I've ever gone for.
But also I think it comes back to something the 26-year-old identified that I haven't sufficiently dealt with. I tend to assume I've done something wrong that I didn't know about. I tend to deal with it by trying to be perfect. I know I"m not actually perfect, but I work to be above reproach in everything I care about. I remember when MaxEarnest punished me, once. He had never done it before, and it broke something between us because I had just been relaxing around him and not constantly monitoring my behaviour and when he said I'd done something wrong (that I didn't think was wrong), wrong enough to be punished, I never relaxed the same way around him. To his credit, he stayed with me when it felt like things were shambled, and we worked through it. (And he agreed he'd never punish me again.) But that sense of freedom, that I could just be myself around him was much harder to find.
Much of it came from the criticism I've grew up with. Of course there was the bullying too. But I also seem to have rough edges that annoy people, probably in part because I can only monitor my beahviour so much, so when I don't care about a situation I can have a short fuse. I tend to assume people are as judgmental as my father, and the truth is, I'm more judgmental than I would like to be.
For the most part, I have moved beyond this in my public, waking life. I do have fleeting thoughts of judgement when people act badly and I have a shorter fuse than I like (I hope no one starts texting around me during The Hunger Games because I have very little tolerance nonsense like that). But for the most part, I think I'm a good person, who mostly behaves with kindness and rationality. But, clearly, in my dreams at night, I'm one sneeze away from being fired. And when I do actually surrender, I need approval. Part of it is hot, but part of it is more than being hot--that private girl needs approval and praise.
For the most part, I have moved beyond this in my public, waking life. I do have fleeting thoughts of judgement when people act badly and I have a shorter fuse than I like (I hope no one starts texting around me during The Hunger Games because I have very little tolerance nonsense like that). But for the most part, I think I'm a good person, who mostly behaves with kindness and rationality. But, clearly, in my dreams at night, I'm one sneeze away from being fired. And when I do actually surrender, I need approval. Part of it is hot, but part of it is more than being hot--that private girl needs approval and praise.
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