One last wallow

I had a lovely conversation with Dotty, and asked her about my Jane Austen/wallow away dichotomy.  As always, she has a wisdom I seem to lack.  "Wallow for 3 days and then move on--but you get to wallow for 3 days about the election too, so if it gets mixed up, that's OK. ... and [she went on later] we won't have a chance to talk before your wallow days are up, so if you want to wallow this weekend with me, you can.  But then you should try to move on."  And I have a date tomorrow (with a guy from OK Cupid, so I'm not exactly holding my breath), so, as always (when it doesn't involve a map or yoga), Dotty is right.

Dotty is convinced I'm going to find a real partner (as is even my brother, which really surprised me because he seems so critical of me so much of the time). When I'm in a place like Portland Oregon, I really think I would find a partner relatively quickly there, but my job is too good for me to quit for a fantasy hop.  I've had offers here, but no one I could see as a partner. If  I continue to live here, intellectually I think I do it on my own, and I don't know if it is wiser to build a life with the assumption I'm not or try to hold out.    My head says the former. On Mirena, my heart went along with the former, but now my heart is screaming "NO."

Since this is my last wallow, a couple of things

MetaCommunication

I really wish I'd figured out metacommunication with the 26 year old.  I thought I was following his cues. When we first met, he said he couldn't wait to play with me.  Normally I'd be like "I don't play" but I trusted him from the phone that I knew he didn't mean just casually.  On the first date, about 20 minutes in (!) he asked for my panties.  Which was really hard for me, but I'd liked him so much on the phone, that I did what he said.  But it did put me in a far more sexual place with him.

On our second date, I had not intended to invite him in. I hadn't tidied at all, nor had I shaved my legs. But it was raining.  So that happened.  He wanted to show me an episode (of Dotty's favorite show), which had been too stressful for me when Dotty wanted to watch it with me.  In fact, it picked up exactly at the moment I'd told Dotty it was too much for me.  He cajoled me (and the truth is, I like being cajoled), and I liked being in his arms.  He fast-forwarded through some parts which I took to mean he would be happy to be done with it, but he wasn't.  He really wanted me to watch the parts he liked, but I didn't get that.  

I don't know how to do that communication about communication easily and lightly.  It seems like it would be a simple thing to make changes to, but I also know, it my family, it was fraught with a huge amount of criticism.

Breath Play

I took breath play off my profile as something I love.  Now the only specific activity is having my hair pulled, but I added something along the lines of "there are a couple of other things that I'd reveal over the course of time."  Breath play is the most dangerous thing I do, by a long shot.  It is the only way, doing BDSM, that a person of good will can accidentally really fuck you up (other than STDs). 

I think that my concern over the physical safety hid that it isn't emotionally good for me to do that too soon.  It puts me in a very vulnerable place, almost instantly, especially if a man chokes me.  It is incredibly powerful and compelling, but also pulls me in emotionally more quickly than I should let myself be pulled in.

I have another kink that I've never actually told a guy while I'm dating--I like being cajoled.  Part of that is, I think, part of the natural DS dynamic.  But I think it goes farther for me.  I want to be pushed into doing things that I don't actually like doing.  I remember once when MaxEarnest had an incredibly hot scene that involved me having plastic in my mouth.  Some plastic doesn't have a flavor, but this was the horrible cheap plastic flavor and I told him it tasted bad and he changed it!  Which was so thoughtful.  But it would have been equally fine for him to say "you're my toy, and you will do what pleases me.  Who is in charge here?"  But the line as to when that is OK and when it is not is SO subtle, I never even told MaxEarnest that.  I would never put that in my profile because that isn't even fair to a guy to know that--how the hell is he supposed to know when it's hot to be cajoled and when it is numb-inducing.  Especially with me who doesn't use a safeword well.  I sort of have it in my mind that if I ever have a year-long anniversary with a kinky guy, when things are feeling amazing, I'd drop this little piece of info for his enjoyment.  But I don't know that I'll ever get to that point.

I'm not putting breathplay in this category.  I think I could tell someone after a month or two.  After he has said he loves me and I know both that I love him and I'm open to falling in love with him.  It is emotional dynamite--it shouldn't be played with casually.  It makes me surrender too quickly.

Surrendering too soon.

Finally there's the whole weird thing I do that makes it hard to move on.  When I actually surrender to someone, I stop being interested in naughty books or things on my own.  Right now, I'm re-reading Safeword (by Molly Weatherfield) and the Anne Rice Beauty books.  My typical naughty reading is short stories, but these are all-encompassing enough that they help me re-orient towards imaginary scenes and partners instead of real ones.  But it is hard!!  I keep thinking of things on the 26-year-old's profile, even things I wouldn't necessarily want to do but could be cajoled.  It's still enough, on this, my last day of wallowing with my grace days from the election, to make me cry.  But I don't think I have to take Dotty up on her kind offer tomorrow.