I'm deeply sad. Dotty's wallowing rule or not. I'm having stress dreams--awful dreams (running away from terrorists that are shooting people dreams), but the good news is I've lost 4 pounds in one week!! Almost no sweets of any kind. I'm beginning to think I need to just not have sweets in general. And I'm also thinking that I can do that. I haven't in the past felt like it was realistic to not have any sweets, and I'm not giving up stevia in my coffee, gum or mints. But overall, I think I can.
So I went out with a the guy from CollarSpace that I rescheduled for next week because I wasn't emotionally ready on Wednesday, he was originally busy on last night and today and I was busy on Sunday, but he had a change of plans for last night. We'd spoken with for a long time over a year ago, but he never seemed to want to go out, and then after I put my profile back up, he got in touch. We spoke quickly on the phone and we went out.
He was sweet. Very complimentary--spent time trying to decide if I looked more like Dianne Wiest 20 years ago, Candace Bergen 20 years ago or Renee Zellweeger 5 years ago. He clearly liked me, was respectful, we talked some kink and some other things. A 6 hour date. And I was bored. The 26-year-old got very sexual very quickly on the first date, and I didn't put the brakes on because we'd had such great phone conversations and also there was just something about him. But that is really not typical for me. (I wasn't even wearing cute panties when I gave them to him.) If he was as bored with me as I was with this guy last night when we weren't being sexual, I totally understand why he wanted to move on!
The guy last night had been reluctant to go out with me because I seem willing to go out with anyone normal. And that is true. I tend to think you can't really know whether you like someone from a profile. People are putting their best selves forward and we tend to fill blanks the way we think they would best be filled. He, on the other hand, only wanted to meet a special few.
He said, and I think it is a valid and interesting point, that "there are too many fish in the sea." And because there is a constant-stream of kinky guys (which I would dispute--I think for the gals who are incredibly hot, and put up photos of their faces or sexually explicit photos, that is true, but I get messaged by maybe 5 guys who are possibilities a week), that there is very little reason to settle with someone rather than just say "next" as you go through a constant stream. I think he he's got a good point there. I'd like to think that I don't do that too much, but the chance of me to feel like I could actually fall for someone, that comes very rarely. John. Max-Earnest. The 26-year-old. Even with Philip, I thought maybe there was a possibility, but it was more of a hypothetical. And the conversation was really good. I'm sure there were a few more. There was a guy before John (and I forget the name I gave him here), but he was, I think 17 years older than me at the time, and I wasn't attracted to him, until he took my shoulder, turned me towards the table and said "do you want to sit there or" (and he turned me to a different table) "there." It was such a simple way of him taking complete control and also care and in that moment, I began to fall. I think I could have fallen for him. (Oh, and all these men dumped me. Except MaxEarnest. And I think I hurt him--I wish I could have not hurt him. But when I offered to quit my job and move to Europe if he'd move with me and get a job, that was as much a compromise as I've ever offered to anyone. That was me jumping with both feet. I love my work and I love the economic stability of my life.
Last night's guy said he got nervous on a first meet and I told him I'd go out with him again (so I will, if he wants to, but I was out of it, kept thinking about the 26-year-old, and doubt I made a good impression--I actually excused myself to the ladies room a couple of times to wipe my eyes). But conversation was hard work, except when we were drinking. (We went to a nice neighborhood bar, then he wanted to take me to his favorite bar, but there was an hour-and-a-half wait to get into his favorite bar, so we went to a diner in between. While we were at the dinner, two teenage boys opened the door and started screaming. I ducked under the table. Thus the terrorism dream.) I enjoyed him more at both bars than I did at the diner.) He is smart but not as wise as the guy almost half his age. I felt like I did most of the work of the conversation. I felt like he talked at me--conversations didn't go anywhere.
He said, and I think it is a valid and interesting point, that "there are too many fish in the sea." And because there is a constant-stream of kinky guys (which I would dispute--I think for the gals who are incredibly hot, and put up photos of their faces or sexually explicit photos, that is true, but I get messaged by maybe 5 guys who are possibilities a week), that there is very little reason to settle with someone rather than just say "next" as you go through a constant stream. I think he he's got a good point there. I'd like to think that I don't do that too much, but the chance of me to feel like I could actually fall for someone, that comes very rarely. John. Max-Earnest. The 26-year-old. Even with Philip, I thought maybe there was a possibility, but it was more of a hypothetical. And the conversation was really good. I'm sure there were a few more. There was a guy before John (and I forget the name I gave him here), but he was, I think 17 years older than me at the time, and I wasn't attracted to him, until he took my shoulder, turned me towards the table and said "do you want to sit there or" (and he turned me to a different table) "there." It was such a simple way of him taking complete control and also care and in that moment, I began to fall. I think I could have fallen for him. (Oh, and all these men dumped me. Except MaxEarnest. And I think I hurt him--I wish I could have not hurt him. But when I offered to quit my job and move to Europe if he'd move with me and get a job, that was as much a compromise as I've ever offered to anyone. That was me jumping with both feet. I love my work and I love the economic stability of my life.
Last night's guy said he got nervous on a first meet and I told him I'd go out with him again (so I will, if he wants to, but I was out of it, kept thinking about the 26-year-old, and doubt I made a good impression--I actually excused myself to the ladies room a couple of times to wipe my eyes). But conversation was hard work, except when we were drinking. (We went to a nice neighborhood bar, then he wanted to take me to his favorite bar, but there was an hour-and-a-half wait to get into his favorite bar, so we went to a diner in between. While we were at the dinner, two teenage boys opened the door and started screaming. I ducked under the table. Thus the terrorism dream.) I enjoyed him more at both bars than I did at the diner.) He is smart but not as wise as the guy almost half his age. I felt like I did most of the work of the conversation. I felt like he talked at me--conversations didn't go anywhere.
And I kept wishing things had gone differently with the 26-year-old. There are so few people I feel like I connect with, and I really thought we did. I have to think there was something else and he was trying to be kind, because this just doesn't make any sense. I wish I knew what was really going on so I could just let it go. Because there are so few people in the kinky world that I can have conversations with on that level--moving conversations from phone to person seems like a very small issue that a few more dates would have handled. Ah well. I got over John. I got over MaxEarnest. I will get over this. But, while I can keep to Dotty's 3-day rule in public, I'm really faking it.
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