Both Sides Now

So the 26-year-old called to dump me.  He was very kind and very mature and very intelligent.  It was so hard to keep him from hearing me cry.  And I thought I had accepted it.  Seriously--Thursday was confusing.  I had suggested multiple things, but everything I suggested didn't appeal to him. Friday was hell, but by today I thought I was fine (fine enough to put my profile back up), but he was so darn extraordinary on the phone. He reminded me of why I cared!

Basically, I think my bifurcation didn't work for him.  What he said was we had these amazing phone conversations and I was a different person in person--very flirty. He liked Connie, but he wanted the Constance from the phone in person. He actually wanted both sides: my intellectual side didn't come out and play (not kinky play--intellect play). I really wish he'd told me that!!  And, maybe, he shouldn't have asked for my panties on the first date!  He set up one way of approaching our relationship, and then wanted something I had no clue he wanted until it was too late.  And the weird thing is all my life I've tried to not bore guys with my intellectual side.  (And I'm, of course, obsessed with the election right now, but I'm a party-line Democrat and he is more nuanced--like how I was before I voted for Nader instead of Gore.)

But I'm famished to surrender.  I hadn't submitted to anyone really since MaxEarnest.  There is part of me that craves surrender.  And after he choked me and I trusted him to do it, I just surrendered. He could have asked anything, and I would have said yes.  I told him he could slap me on my face, which I've always had as close to a hard limit (except for MaxEarnest), because I knew he'd be careful. It felt so amazing to surrender. That part of me doesn't even get to exist right now.  And I can't just go to a club or something.  I get emotionally attached when I surrender. I try to satiate it with ballroom dancing, but that is more like a tease than a surrender. I ached, in my bones for it.  I have lots of people I can deconstruct things with.  It's like I hadn't had any water in years, but I've had all the chocolate I want, and he's had water, and hasn't had the mix.  And I just want to drink and run my hands through it and jump in it. Surrendering to him felt like playing in a beautiful lake after a grueling hike on a summer day.  I wanted to do somersaults and handstands and dive in the water and just be that weightless, joyous mermaid of a swimmer, moving effortlessly though water that feels like home.

I so wanted to beg him for another chance.  I could be that intellectual woman in person--I know I could.  But I can't be both the intellectual woman and the surrendered girl at the same time.  The part of me that submits, just likes to follow.  He liked pushing me back and forth between the two, and it was weird, but fun. And frankly, I probably need to just submit to someone for a week, 24/7, before that side of me will be satiated enough to be around someone I've surrendered to and not want to surrender.  It is so hard keeping high standards with all this.  Friday I ached to just go to a club and get spanked, but I am wise enough to know that that would make me bitter pretty quickly.  But I wish I could separate the two.  I was SO looking forward to the 26-year-old spanking me on my birthday.

And the truth is, my bifurcation is pretty extreme. I go from an articulate, sometimes-wise woman to a fairly unsure girl on the flip of a coin.  There was another guy (the one I referred to as "the Republican" before MaxEarnest) who had a similar reaction--he felt like I was playing dumb when I was submissive.  

I don't want to say I'm not playing dumb, I am dumb.  Because it isn't that I'm dumb.  But I don't get irony is that place.  I desperately want to please, and I want validation that I have pleased.  I feel like I'm 14.  Old enough to be sexual, but not cynical, or sophisticated enough to get double meanings or anything.  Constance has quite a bit of confidence, but Connie doesn't. And the truth of the matter is that I had a lot of conditioning growing up that I should be dumb when I dated.  "A lady always laughs at a gentleman's jokes Connie."  "Connie, you musn't dominate the conversation."  "The Talented and Gifted program is only for girls with bad social skills--try to be nice to the other kids so you can get out of the special program."  (Yes, I was told that.  And yes, I had poor social skills--but they were not linked.)  I love playing at being dumb with people who know that I'm smart, because that issue of being smart is still very charged for me.  (I got to do improv with Lizz Winstead last month and we were both playing the dumb gal the Republicans think will pick a candidate like a dress--it was SO much fun!)

I'm scared that the man who likes the intellectual Constance will never like the unsure Connie and the man who wants to control and cherish the unsure Connie will never like the intellectual Constance.  I don't know how to find someone who likes both sides, especially since the only man who ever gets to see Connie is someone to whom I've actually surrendered. I have two fantasies:  I run a very high-profile professional event each year; and I've always wanted a man that would come and appreciate what I do all day and be proud of me! And then tie me up in the fancy hotel room they give me at night.  And someday, I want to sing "Because the Night" to a man I worship.  In Karoake. In public.  (But not in a place where anyone but he knows me.)

Take me now baby here as I am
Pull me close; try to understand.
Desirous hunger is the fire I breathe...
Come on now try to understand
The way I feel under your command.

But I'm so scared I'll never find someone that likes both sides of me and I like both sides of him.  I'm just as picky about both sides of a man I might be with as the 26-year-old was with me. When I do Karaoke some day, I want to sing this song too (without a cigarette).