Trust

The 26-year-old said something that I think was really wise.  My grandfather tried to sexually abuse me from a pretty young age.  You could absolutely call what he was doing grooming.  I've never really thought of it as problematic because I ALWAYS fought back.  I was in Kindergarten (or earlier, not really sure of the time, but we moved after kindergarten) when I threw water in his face when he wouldn't stop tickling me.  My grandmother was furious with me.  (Despite the fact that both her daughters confronted her with his persistent and far more traumatic abuse of both of them.)

The truth is, I've always been proud of the 6-year-old (or younger) who could take care of herself.

But the 26-year-old pointed out that I shouldn't have had to.

By the time I was 6, I saw men as someone I had to protect myself against.  

I don't really know what that means.  I clearly trusted MaxEarnest.  I actually trusted the 26-year-old.  I also see myself flipping quite quickly from "not-trusting" to "trusting."  Yesterday, I refused to tell Mr. half-an-hour-late where I worked and he was really annoyed with me on that.  (I think, in fact, that is when he started to pull away from me.) Maybe, like a 6-year-old, I don't have a good in-between-ground.  Someone is good or bad.  I'm not sure.  But maybe there was something there that I should tease out.

In the meanwhile, I should really be getting work done.  I seem to be procrastinating more than usually with this blog lately.  I have a grant proposal due in 8 days.  I have to focus!!!