The Secret Garden

I've been listening compulsively to The Secret Garden this weekend, which seems like a perfect album for a 13 year old girl.  (I used to love the show, but kind of forgot about it.  I was listening to an interview with John Cameron Mitchell, whom I really love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  I had absolutely no idea he originated the part of Dickon in The Secret Garden.  So I found my old CD and just started falling into the show.)  There is something so deeply beautiful about the show, And yet it is deeply unsatisfying.  It brings up SO much emotion in each of the stunning songs, but no character changes, learns, grows or develops.  I trust that isn't a metaphor for my life, but it does feel like a metaphor for my dating life.

Another unremarkable date yesterday.  Nothing like Friday's date.  But the service at the restaurant was so slow that we had to wait over an hour for brunch.  I hadn't eaten anything beforehand, not even my customary cup of coffee.  They clearly lost our order and our waitress was unhelpful, He complained first.  I complained second. He complained third, but by the time our meal came at 1 (and I usually eat something by 11), we were both a little a bit out of sorts. We had chemistry the last time we went out, and the truth is, if he'd grabbed me after brunch when we were walking in the park, we might have had it again, but he didn't.

But here's the real question keeping me up at night: do I go ahead with IVF or not.  I assumed that if the 26-year-old and I worked out, I would postpone that plan.  (Fuck it.  The 26-year-old needs a name.  My head keeps saying "you knew it wouldn't work out."  But my heart fell for him.  He is the last guy since MaxEarnest worth a tear.  He touched me in a way that MaxEarnest did. John did. Hell, Bobby did and I spent less time with Bobby and he was far more honest than Bobby.  Bobby merited a name.)  So, I assumed that if Martin, A.K.A. the 26-year-old, and I had been dating, we would have had a conversation in January or so and if he were serious, I would have postponed the whole parenthood thing. 

There are several intriguing men I'm talking with.  But there will always be intriguing men that I'm talking with.  It feels like CollarMe (CollarSpace technically--even its name has changed as it stays the same) is a lot more like The Secret Garden, even if they have very different target markets!.  There are these beautiful moments with interchangeable characters. A few moments stand out, but even with the few men actually become individuals, it is a moment. A marvelous moment. A beautiful, ephemeral time.   Each song or guy is really interesting on a self-contained level, but it doesn't go anywhere.  

Maybe my standards are much too high.  I was talking with a guy and his handle was something like "Intellectual Conscious."  And from what I could tell, he dropped out of college, doesn't read much more than his facebook feed, defines conscious as helping people, but doesn't volunteer.  I was intrigued he would define himself that way, but the more I talked to him, the more I felt like he didn't even have a clue as to what I could define his handle as.  Trying to make conversation was like pulling teeth.  I couldn't even understood why he messaged me.

I know I want to have a child.  I didn't want to until I was dating the first ex of this blog (someone else who probably deserves a name, but I don't have any emotional stickiness there, and, frankly, the way I let him treat me is best forgotten.)  But for the last 8 years or so, I have been pretty clear that I want to share this life with a child.  I don't know if the wisest thing is to hide my CM profile and just let go of that part of my life.  When said child (assuming I can get pregnant and have a healthy child) is 4 or so, I could always turn it back on.  If CM still exists then.  But who knows who I'd be then?  

Or maybe the occasional moments make it worth continuing to try.  I wish I knew the wisest thing to do.