Friendship

There's this guy (who occasionally reads this blog, so, yes, I've written this for you, gentleman with whom I had coffee a week ago after you nudged me for a year about it) who has a girlfriend and REALLY wants to be friends.  After we had coffee, it made me SO sad. Keeping tears away on the sidewalk. And I have no idea if I'd want to date him.  If I were his girlfriend, I'd be pissed at how much he has sought me out. But his girlfriend is out of town and he just invited me out for an evening that could absolutely be described as a date.  And he pressures me.  He doesn't take "this isn't wise" for an answer.  But it isn't wise.  It will make me feel like shit about myself.  It will remind me that I missed the boat and that pretty much everyone my age has paired up that is going to.  I love Dotty dearly, but I don't think she's going to find a partner.  And none of my friends are.  The men my age who are single are really not, for the most part, worthy of the women my age.  

One of the many things I'll say for the 26-year-old is that he respected my wish and didn't pressure me to be friends.  Part of me wishes he and I could be friends, but only because I hope it would change his mind, and that isn't healthy. If there were a 10% chance, I would put all my hope there. Part of me thinks it was good he broke it off because we clearly have different approaches to some things.  But if he had pressured me to be friends, I probably would have, keeping hope alive in a stupid, self-destructive way that would have eaten away at my self-esteem and confidence.

Tony was so angry with me for not wanting to be friends (after he treated me REALLY badly) that he said some things that were really cruel (and obviously stupid--claiming I trapped him into a a job where he would bump into me once a month or so and now I was breaking up with him, but he'd still have to bump into me sometimes--was he 12? I was like "yup, it will be awkward the first time, but then we'll get over it and be adults." Nearly 2 years later, he's still working at the job, so how much of a trap was that really?  But he's weird when we bump into each other--sometimes acting like we're friends and sometimes completely ignoring me if I smile and say hi.) We have a friend in common and she has finally stopped pressuring me to be friends with him, but I can tell he is still trying to get her to change my mind.  

 MaxEarnest and I are very distant friends--I stopped e-mailing him much because it felt like I was sending far more e-mails, he'd take a week to get back to me and I got the sense that he needs to move on.  He has a girlfriend, and I'm really happy for him.  I'm sure his current girlfriend is a much better match for him, but even there, it makes me sad.  I'm not in love with MaxEarnest--I know that we couldn't give each other what we each wanted.  But it still makes me sad because I did love him.  But with MaxEarnest I could be friends because we gave it a try, we loved each other, we were kind to each other, we broke up with respect and love.  And we want contradictory lives.  

I wrote about this a while back.  This is not a new thing for me.  The guy has a girlfriend and wants my friendship, doesn't seem to look at how much it costs me.  Being with him feels like this huge rejection.  I know it isn't, but it feels that way.  It feels like I missed the boat and he wants me for my friendship, whatever that is worth, but it is this constant reminder that I'm alone.  I wonder what his girlfriend has that I don't.  Part of me thinks it is luck.  But part of me thinks there is something that makes me just not girlfriend material. 

In all honesty, I was in a good space today.  I had a lovely weekend.  I was listening to Caroline or Change in the car this morning and that moment that moves me SO much when Dotty says

Once you was quick,
and once you was bright;
now it seem you come to some confusion,
you losing courage, you losing light,
lost your old shine,
lost Caroline.

(And for newer readers, I named my friend "Dotty" off this line--because Dotty is the person in my life that would notice that I'm losing light, and that means so much to me!) And I was thinking that I really, right now, am back to my old Connie.  I found my courage, my light, my shine.  

But it is an equilibrium that I need to cherish and protect.  Hanging out with someone, whether or not he and I would date if he were single, burns.  It is pretty clear that he has never fallen in love with anyone.  But I love fully and deeply.  My emotions live closer to the surface.  He is playing with fire, but those around him are the ones who get burned.