Acceptance and Rejection

I had a big work thing rejected yesterday.  I am so passionate and committed to this idea.  I've worked on it for 6 years now.  I think it is a great idea.  And they rejected the grant.  

And I told Maxearnest, and it was sort of OK.  Like, obviously, I still wish that it had been accepted, but having someone who understood (Maxearnest doesn't have the same profession as me, but he explored it enough to understand the big things, and he was so kind) just made a really, really big difference.  I was sad, but I wasn't grasping and clutching.  Sometimes when I deal with rejection, it feels like the rejection is of  "me--Connie" not "this idea that I had."  It makes me a little frantic and trapped and I'll try anything.  Approval--someone, approve of me!

I'm going to reapply, and I have a feeling that when I have a draft of the new proposal done, Maxearnest will read it.  And he will cheer me on.  I also have a feeling that Maxearnest would be happy to nudge me, in a sexy way, to actually finish the things that I procrastinate.  Maybe if I finished more, I'd be less invested in each individual one.

I'm not saying I accept the rejection.  (I care about this idea of mine way too much to just drop it.)  But there was a serenity that was a welcome change.

And today, I bought my ticket to Iceland.  I can hardly wait!  On one level, this is probably the craziest thing I've ever done.  But I like him.  And he likes me.  And we can enjoy a 4-hour phone conversation.  So why the heck not?  I mean, would it be any crazier to talk on the phone for 6 months and then meet?  We like each other intellectually.  We think we're sexually compatible.  We've talked about where to live, whether we're open to kids, birth control and abortion.  We've talked about HIV and the G.O.P.  We've talked about my bifurcation and he seems amazingly integrated.  Worst comes to worse, I get to Iceland and one of us doesn't like the way the other smells, and we have a very, very awkward morning and then I explore Iceland for 4 days.  But doesn't that make more sense to do now than wait months?  (I got a super-cheap ticket.  Insanely cheap.  And I've always wanted to go.  We'll have a youth hostel reservation.  If we want to go our several ways, there's over 30 youth hostels.  Of course, if I adore him and he doesn't like how I smell, or something like that, I'll probably spend at least a day crying in bed.  But then I'll make myself see Iceland.)

He is so caring--he's arriving the day before and getting a hotel at the airport.  He said I could shower there and take a nap and he'd wait in the lobby!  He is leaving after I leave so he can take me to the airport.  He has been so thoughtful; I feel like he cherishes me.

This is crazy.  Crazy.  Crazy!  I keep expecting there to be something major.  I know he isn't a Republican.  I know he doesn't smoke.  I know he has 2 legs and 2 arms (not that I would really care about a  missing a leg or an arm, but the Republican thing...).  I don't think he is front for a new Nigerian scam.  I don't think he is associated with the Russian mob.  How can things be going this right?  And yet, maybe, as crazy as this sounds, but maybe breaking some of the strings with my dad leaves me more open.

This is crazy.  But it would be even crazier not to run with it and see what happens.