Maxearnest scolded me for something. I asked him the same thing twice in 2 e-mails, and he scolded me, and I just felt horrible.
Maybe I'm just not strong enough to do something like that. I was already blue. After Dotty left I went to visit a friend I rarely see because I get affluenza whenever I visit her. The TV is always on. I've watched more television in the last 4 days than in the previous 4 months. We go shopping a lot. She gets stressed out about crazy stuff she reads on the internet, and has a bad temper. (I should also say, she is generous, kind, smart and I have a lot of loyalty to her; I don't think I would have gone to grad school if it hadn't been her influence. She taught me intellectual excitement. But I don't see her that often because I have a hard time at her place.) So I'm already stretched thin. And I just totally over-react. But I do that to criticism, from anyone I allow into my interior circle. I'm strong with most of the world, but there are few people I allow myself to care what they think And when I do, I am much too vulnerable. Even a gentle scolding (and he was gentle in his scolding) and I totally over-react.
My friend was in a vile mood--slamming doors, yelling at her mother, demanding the conversation go exactly as she wants at all times. So I went shopping because my friend doesn't like my favorite store. I didn't want anything, but I just needed to get away from her for a little while, but I didn't want any crap. I just wanted to read a book or pet my cats or ride my bike. And there I read Maxearnest's e-mail on my phone. I could feel how blue I became. Like the bottom fell out. I can't think when I have to type on my phone. I type like 2 words a minutes there. I have to think about the letters, not the thoughts. I had enough awareness to notice it, but not enough awareness to do anything about it. I didn't even have an iPod that would allow me to manipulate my mood with music.
I adore approval from a man I care about, but disapproval makes me blue, almost frantic, like a deflating balloon, trying to push out air is a few spots, to feel full and accidentally popping herself. I think that most disapproval in the world Public Woman handles with aplomb, and that part of me protest private girl from anything like that, but someone who knows private girl can bypass my persona side and I have no defenses.
A little more than 2 years ago, my dad got made at me for something I was going to submit for publication. He said I was shaming my mother and publicly humiliating her. It was a voice mail, and I listened to it while I was on a date. I became frantic and agreed to never publish the piece, just trying to undo the horrible damage I had wrought. And then I re-listened to what he said, and re-read the piece (and my brother, our family counselor and several close friends read it) and realized, there was nothing critical about my mother in the piece. Nothing at all. 3 months of therapy later, my mother and I were on stronger footing, but if I hadn't had everything either in e-mail or as a recorded message, and other people, whom I really trusted hadn't weighed in and said "there is nothing like that" I would have just assumed I'd done this horrible wrong.
My dad only ever said I betrayed him once. It was when he didn't like a movie I had recommended. So, yes, that sense of needing to be perfect runs very deep.
A little more than 2 years ago, my dad got made at me for something I was going to submit for publication. He said I was shaming my mother and publicly humiliating her. It was a voice mail, and I listened to it while I was on a date. I became frantic and agreed to never publish the piece, just trying to undo the horrible damage I had wrought. And then I re-listened to what he said, and re-read the piece (and my brother, our family counselor and several close friends read it) and realized, there was nothing critical about my mother in the piece. Nothing at all. 3 months of therapy later, my mother and I were on stronger footing, but if I hadn't had everything either in e-mail or as a recorded message, and other people, whom I really trusted hadn't weighed in and said "there is nothing like that" I would have just assumed I'd done this horrible wrong.
My dad only ever said I betrayed him once. It was when he didn't like a movie I had recommended. So, yes, that sense of needing to be perfect runs very deep.
After we got back, I wrote Maxearnest and he sent me a lovely e-mail and I just started to feel calm again. But I do just completely over-react. I see how much I was over-reacting. But I do. I don't know how to get that under control.
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