Accepting What Is

So Nate and I couldn't get together tonight, but he gave me an assignment: play with myself while thinking about  him going down on me.  So I texted him: " It is much hotter for me to think about pleasing you, then to think about you pleasing me. I like the idea of you using me. (I love that you want to please me sometimes--when I'm with you it is hot, but when I'm not, I'd rather think about you)." He texted me: "I know" and repeated his original instructions.

I can't figure out if I really like this, or really don't.

I'm pretty clear in my mind that I have a fucked up view about relationships and my role in them.  I think I gravitated towards kink as a way of making a set of controllable rules around love.  (I really think that the sub in kink should be able to not be punished by always being obedient, and that's what I want.  I want to know he could, but that I please him enough, he doesn't need to.  I want to know that I'll have a reason for not pleasing him, and I want to know that I'll know when he is upset by something, I'll know what it is, and he can punish me, and then forget it.)  And that is rather fucked up.

But, in a way, kink is the prize that came with my fucked up cracker jack of a world view.  If I didn't have kink, I would be one of those women who wants sex once a month, rather than once a day.  If I didn't have kink, part of me would die.  The reasons that kink are in my life are probably in the DSM.  But "treating" kink doesn't affect those underlying reasons, and I would lose a lot if I lost kink.

I would like to figure out my big-picture crap about relationships (I will be loved for what I do, not who I am; men are mercurial and will only be with me when it is fun for them; as soon as anything gets tough, they'll leave) and still have the kink side.  Somehow, making it from an intellectual analysis to a visceral state of feeling/knowing seems very hard for me.

I can't tell if Nate is trying to change my sense of desire "want something more normal" or if he is trying to give me a little more agency.  Or maybe he gets off on the thought of him going down on me.  I suppose that is actually possible.  Ocram's Razor....  Deep down, though, I think he wants me to want things for me. He has finally stopped trying to buy me stuff every time we go out; I'd much rather he wanted to go down on me than buy me shoes.  I'd still rather please him, though.  Less pressure.  I'm better able to control the results and do what is demanded.  I really hope I'm not just so fucked up I can't be in a relationship with a stable man because he wants to be nice to me (when I'm nice to him).