When I was with my dad, it was really painful. I was counting the hours to getting home, and it was such a relief to get home. But last night I stayed up pretty late helping Dotty pack and the movers are gone and she is here for a few more days, and then that is it. Dotty is my 6th close friend to leave the city, and I feel like I'm the last one left. I don't want to make more friends that are just going to leave; all of my close friends have moved away.
But truth be told, I miss hoping things would get better with my dad and I. Now, there's just the status quo, which is intolerable to me. Until he is willing to accept that not hurting me is just as important as being "genuine" I don't really see how I can have a 'friends' relationship with him. And I miss that. I saw THE ugliest public art sculpture ever yesterday. It looked like a trash dump. My dad loves to complain about bad public art, and I wanted to share it with him. Without my dad, the truth is, I don't really have any men I'm close to. I have a number of gay friends, whom I really love, but somehow, we've gotten less close with time. I see one guy about every-other month and the others a couple of times a year. (Nate's mom had surgery on Friday, and she is still in the ICU, so it will probably be 2 weeks before we get together. Between his mom and his daughter, he is stretched very thin. I made soup and offered to take him some, but I think it would have been more stressful than helpful.)
I'm really, really sad. And I'm really lonely. I feel stuck. And I don't feel like working through all my emotional shit is making it easier to meet new people--it is just leaving me really raw and vulnerable.
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