Blue Nights. And Days.

I'm re-reading The Year of Magical Thinking so that I can be up to date when I read Blue Nights.  This should help cheer me up, in a weird way.

Right now, I'm so sad.

I said goodbye to Dotty tonight.  I cried a little, then went to the elevator of her building and wept like a crazy lady, because I didn't want to make things harder for her.

Of course, I usually hide how I'm feeling from other people to try to not make other people uncomfortable.

But I'm so sad.  It is funny reading Joan Didion, because I'm like "oh, yes--I did that!  And my John's death obviously didn't affect me as extremely as her John's death, but they were variations on a them.

Tomorrow, I will try not to feel sorry for myself, but tonight, I just wish I could wave a magic wand and these 2 years will be over and Dotty will be back.  What could possibly happen that could make these 2 years worth while?  I feel like there is nothing to look forward to.  Which is silly--hopefully I'll meet new people, make some new friends.  Maybe I'll fall in love. I doubt it, but I hope so.  Wouldn't that be lovely?

I just hope my life doesn't end up like a Chekhov play.