Saving Myself

So Maxearnest and I had a nice conversation about the parameters of Iceland.  I wanted a sort of Ulysses option, committing us to not having sex (which I define in very Clintonian ways), and he wasn't willing to do that.  

We agreed, and I think this is fair, mature compromise, that we would not have sex until we have had a conversation, over tea or coffee (not alcohol), in a public place, with our clothes on, and I saw I'm willing and wanting to.

But, of course, I expect if we like each other as much in person as we do on Skype, that part of me will be willing and wanting, and part of me will be desperately trying to protect myself.  From what?

I'm aware that I have the capacity to become burnt out, brittle, angry, with dead eyes.  I seem women like that in 'the scene' and I know I was on the precipice of going there.  I gave myself away and didn't have enough left of myself.

I've been very aware the last few years of wanting to take good care of me, so I'd be in good share if I met the right man. (I've also been wanting to take good care of me so that if I have kids, I'll be a really good mom.)  I am 'saving myself.'  Not in the traditional sense of that out-dated term, but it has been useful.

Maxearnest and I are having what feels like a whirlwind romance, and if it is a fairy tale, well, then I've been saving myself for him.  And I think he will appreciate, very much, my "bounciness"--my ability to find joy, be emotionally open and vulnerable, and laugh spontaneously.  But if it isn't, if we go to Iceland and then that is it, well, I need enough reserves to find some inner resilience.  I want to be able to look at the weekend and say "wow--that was a crazy thing, but I'm glad I had an adventure" and not spend a year trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I don't know the right balance between trusting the future and trusting someone else and protecting myself.  I don't actually regret any of the men I've slept with after I was 18. I slept with 2 men when I was 17 that was just me being a foolish child, but people do that.  There are 2 men I have regrets about what I didn't do with them--John (although my biggest regret was not being more self-aware about how desire worked for me, because he took my reluctance as a breach of faith, and not as "I get reluctant because it is really hot for someone to kiss that away) and another man in college who was so sexy (and so very interested in me), but was clearly seeing multiple women, and I just wasn't mature enough to handle that.  I think I probably made the right decision, but every year or so I have a sexy dream about that man, and I wish I had been a different person).Since high school, however, I've been quite careful with who I've had sex with.  Probably too careful.

And, again, this is Clinton's definition.  I've probably given oral sex to over a dozen men; that doesn't have the emotional intimacy that vaginal sex does.  (Interestingly, I've only received oral sex from a very few; it isn't some be-all, end-all for me, but it is more intimate.  Much more intimate.  It is kind of scary, actually.  And I've never come from oral sex alone, so I always feel a little bit like a failure at it.)  I don't know why vaginal intercourse is so closely tied to my emotions and oral sex isn't.  But that is true for me.

So on one level, I'm quite clear that I don't want to have 'sex' in Iceland.  And yet, when I'm kneeling at Maxearnest's feet, I will want to please him.  I know I will.  I will want to let go of having to be the one that protects me all the time, and trust someone else to protect me.  I know I've gotten in trouble in the past by trying to let go of my protector-side too quickly.  There has not been a single warning-flag with Maxearnest. Not one.  I'm pretty darn sure he can't have another gal, because he doesn't really have time for another gal. He has told me where he lives, made himself googleable, and talked in a way that has been emotionally open.  He hasn't told me everything I've wanted to hear, but when he has told me areas where we differ, we've been able to talk about what it means.  He is interested in quotidian aspects of my life--he says it is because he is interested in me, and I believe him.  

I truly hope he is the man I've been saving myself for.  But if he isn't, I need to keep enough reserves to stay bouncy.  If not a week after Iceland, then this summer.  I don't know how to do that.