Cook and coach

Maxearnest and I had another long talk today, and I'm a little trepidatious about things that seem completely illogical.

Maxearnest has said, if we get to the point of sharing a hotel room, that he will want to inspect me.  And this scares me.  All the fears about my body come flooding in.  And Maxearnest reads my blog--he knows way more about me than anyone I've dated knew at the time (with the possible exception of John, but I think I'm much more self aware than I was when John and I were involved).  And Maxearnest said that he has never been with a 'larger' woman before, which made my heart sink a little bit.  I've worked so hard to escape the 'larger' label.  But in Europe, I'd totally be a plus size.  That's just that.  And Maxearnest basically said that I have a beautiful face and that is more important.

Maxearnest, in many ways, says the things that I always wanted men to say.  And my heart sinks a little.  It is odd.  But in the last 10 years, I've come to believe that men care more about looks than most other things, and if a guy doesn't like how I look, lust after it, it just won't work.  And here is Maxearnest saying "your figure isn't the most important thing."

Maxearnest reads my blog, so he knows how conflicted I am about weight.  And I get the sense that he would like to nudge me towards a little smaller size.  And, in all fairness, if I'd stayed with Nate, I wanted to nudge him off his diabetes medicine.  Hell, part of me would like to be a smaller size--I just can't seem to pull it off and, right now, I'm trying to be happy with the way I am (in part because I have such a fear of gaining back the weight I lost.)  So I'm being completely irrational.  But it scares me.  It scares me if he isn't attracted to how I look right now.  It scares me if he wants to control my food, that I'll turn into the rebellious kid who snuck food so her parents wouldn't see.  

Maxearnest loves food, and he is, from what I can see, a gourmet cook who cooks the most beautifully and lovingly crafted meals.  And he has made it clear that he would like to cook for me.  Which seems lovely.

I don't know why his views on my body scare me.  He is basically saying "you're not perfect--none of us are--I'm prepared to enjoy you as you are."  Which is a totally lovely thing to say.  I would just like him to find me really sexy as I am.  And if I don't change at all, I'd like that to be OK.  And if we find a way for me to change, that should be OK too.  I've just tried and failed at so many things in that area;  I don't want to fail again, and I can't imagine love being tied to success in that area.