I'm blogging less at the moment because Maxearnest and I have been e-mailing a lot. Tonight he said something that originally through me for a bit of a loop. I was over-reacting, assuming that one piece of information meant something else, when it didn't. Fortunately, we clarified, and I think it was fine.
But, my first response was to freeze, want to cry and then run to my blog for comfort. Now, I know that Maxearnest reads this, so it isn't exactly like I was shutting myself in a room with only an iPod to comfort me, but it is, I think, important to notice how much I go introspective when something bothers me. I think part of it is good--figure out what the issue is before you bother someone else with it. But part of it, I think, can be isolating--no one will understand your emotions. Deal with them on your own and only bother other people when you can be logical about it.
One of the things my dad did do over Christmas, which was lovely, was try to empathize with how hard his criticism of me was for me growing up. (I think, in fact, that my dad might have felt enough shame over it that that is what pushed him away from it and he went back to his 'genuine' explanation for not wanting to empathize. It is funny--I am so much my father's daughter in so many ways, but I automatically try to empathize with the people I love. I may do it all wrong. It is important that I ask more questions and I listen to what people are actually feeling, and not assume they are feeling what I would feel in that situation, but I'm constantly putting myself in other people's shoes to monitor how something I do might affect them. The difference between my dad and I is huge here.
The downside (in addition to needing to listen more and assume less) is that I don't always honor my feelings.
I think this blog (and a document on my computer titled "If I had a Blog" It has all this stuff that doesn't seem interesting enough to blog about. Although lately, most everything goes here.) are fundamentally useful to me. They are a lot cheaper than therapy, and can't betray you the way a therapist might, and it is free. The disadvantage is that there is no relatedness. It is, in a weird way, public loneliness. I like the fact that people read it, both because it is nice that people find my meanderings interesting, but also because it makes me go farther in exploring connections. But there is no relatedness with the blog. With Maxearnest, there is relatedness. It changes the entire dynamic.
The thing with Maxearnest today was I probably want something in the future (although not for a few years, and life changes, so who knows how I'll feel in 3 years) and he said something I interpreted as saying "I don't want that." I think what he meant was "I would not do that casually. It might be a possibility at some point in the future, but a lot of things would have to fall in place for that to work out." Which makes sense. I think that is my view too. But it took me asking a question to clarify what he was saying, instead of assuming that A must equal B.
I'm loving e-mailing with Maxearnest. And I kind of love that he knows so much about me from my blog. I tell him things, and he says "yes, I know." And he does know. Yesterday, I was checking e-mail on my phone, and the connection was super-slow. The headline said "No Funny Games" and I thought he was upset that I said something. Actually he was saying that I wouldn't enjoy a movie called "funny games." He is amazingly accepting of me. I'm a little excited. We can't meet for nearly a month but I'm beginning to build castles in the air. I'll try not to move in, but I'm certainly enjoying the real estate listing.
(And, for what it is worth, Nate hadn't called me for over a week and I haven't seen him since before Christmas. I know he is having a stressful life, but he never let me be part of his support network. I can't be with someone who only wants to see me when things are easy. Life is too crazy for that.)
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