"I never led you on"

John and Bobby both said "I never led you on."

John talked about whether this was 'for keeps.'  He borrowed my ring after saying he wanted to wait at least until we were engaged.  He said I was the only woman he could ever have considered spending the rest of his life with.  And he said "I never led you on."

Bobby was far less so.  But he presented himself as if he were single.  He presented himself as if he were open to a relationship.  He kissed me.  And kissed me. And kissed me.  Played with my breasts.  Played with my clit.  (And no, I'm not proud of myself for doing that the first day I met him.  But it was a magical day, that had followed a lot of intense conversations.)  Told me to think about him every time I played with myself.  We talked a bit yesterday and he said he never 'led me on."

How the heck do men define "leading a woman on?"  It is like the words mean something completely different to me as they do to men.

I'm trying to find the place between 'whatever' and 'love harder.'  And I just don't know where that spot is.  The amount of work I spend on trying to feel the pain so it doesn't become a mask that numbs me out is huge.  I believe I have to do that to be ready to meet someone when I find the right person.  But darn it, I want to find him.  And I want him to say "yes--I am seducing you.  How else can I lead you to me?"