Second Thoughts

I have had a really rough week.  For a day I thought I could get fired.  It looks like it going to blow over, but no one at work has my back.  I’ve been chewed out for following regulation.  Part of my job is to play “bad cop” and then if anyone complains that I’ve been too strict, well, my boss will say I shouldn’t follow code.  But, as corny as it sounds, I actually believe the rules are useful and should be followed (oh, isn’t that cute).  I know it would be easier and more fun for me to blow off the rules and I’m more likely to keep my job, but I can’t do it and live with myself.  I believe our clients are capable of meeting our expectations (which are quite low) and that as they do, they'll be more capable of doing more down the road.

But all I really wanted to do was call Bobby.  I didn’t because it wouldn’t be fair to him to call on him when I need him and then not be a friend.  Part of me wishes so much I could be his friend. 

The problem is I just can’t see how I would ever be satisfied with that.  I can see myself judging me for not being what he wanted.  I can see myself judging him for what I would consider self-destructive behavior (that would also keep us from being together romantically).  I can see myself putting my life on hold, hoping he'd change. But I can’t see myself not wanting more from him.  Maybe if he hadn’t kissed me.  Maybe if he’d been a lousy kisser.  Maybe if he wasn’t sexy.  Maybe if he didn't seem to think I was sexy.  Maybe if he didn't imply that part of him thinks what he is doing is self-destructive.  There is no way I could be a supportive, loving friend when I want to be a supporting, friendly love.

 I am a little annoyed that he seduced me.  I’m grateful we didn’t sleep together, because I totally would have slept with him and he put the brakes on that.  But still...  Life would have been easier if he hadn't kissed me.  And touched me.  And opened me.  And caressed me.

I look at what made me like Bobby so very much, and wonder if that is really all it takes to get under my skin.  He listened when I talked and talked about things of substance so I wanted to listen.  He seemed genuinely interested in me.  He understood my trepidations about S&M and made it clear that he would care more about me than about any particularly activity, and that made me want to do everything with him.  There was a time I loved S&M, but too often it became about what I could endure, not what I might like.  And I added layers to my armor.  Layers that make sense, but they seemed to melt with Bobby.  

Well, I'm traveling for the next couple of weeks, so no dating and I already have three dates the week I get back.  (As a general rule, I won't go out with more than 3 new people a week.  It just gets too tiring and I lose track of who is who.)  So I guess I'll keep being smitten with Bobby for another 2 weeks, and then, hopefully soon, someone else will kiss me.  Hopefully on a second date.  My birthday is next month, and it would be lovely to be with someone I'd want to spank me.  But I think that is probably not likely.  Maybe next year.