Let down your hair...

I love breath play.  Love it.  If I filled out my kink stuff on CollarMe honestly (I don't fill it out at all), it would have to be a 'lives for.'  Breath play is essential to orgasms for me.  It makes them exponentially stronger.

And I will rarely tell anyone that.  It seems dangerous.  I don't know how to trust someone enough to trust him to choke me.  I just don't.  I think Bobby was the only man I've ever told that too.  I mostly do it on my own--cutting off my air with the back of my throat, as if I were to swallow half-way or something, for probably about 15 seconds or so before I allow myself to cum.  And I wonder why my orgasms are SO much more intense on my own.

Breath play seems symbolic of the whole bdsm thing for me.  I crave kink and D/s (Dominance/Submission) and B (bondage), but I fear the S&M.  I suppose it is the Romantic view of the sublime:  fear and awe.  It seems dangerous for people to know what I want, which, of course, keeps me from getting what I want.  I, perhaps, throw up roadblocks.  Each individual one seems to make so much sense, but together, they do, perchance, keep me to tightly armoured.

Of course, there is real danger.  Dan Savage says there's no safe way to do breath play, and he's hardly a reactionary puritan.  I think he is over-reacting. From what I've read, there's no danger in holding your own breath (as long as you aren't using any props to do it).  If I do ever pass out (which I've never done), I'll stop my half-swallow and start breathing.  But it isn't like I'm saying that I'm scared of getting herpes, so I'll never kiss anyone.  There is a real danger here.

And I have, in my head, a sense of how it would be safe.  We would have a conversation about it, and I would tell him what turns me on.  And he would then start playing with ordering me to hold my breath and only orgasm and breath when he says it is OK.  Or he'd kiss me and plug my nose so I could only breath between kisses.  Most people hear breath play and want to get out a belt, which I really don't think is safe.  But somehow or other, the intimacy and trust is never great enough, and there is this whole side of me that I hide.  To keep it safe.  Like Rapunzel in her tower, dying of isolation.  And then, of course, she flees her tower and becomes blind from not judging the risks of the world correctly.  How to let down my hair and not be too badly hurt by the world?  If only I could find a prince....