Where do I go? Follow the river...

So I tried talking to Bobby, and in the middle of the conversation (at least I thought it was the middle), he got a call on the other line and said "I'll call you back" and he didn't.

My guess is he got distracted with work, but I really hate this.

I wish I could just stop caring about him. Why can't I just take a little pill and go 'Poof! Bobby-who?'

I guess that is time. I keep being told it heals everything. And yet I still miss John sometimes, in these big waves. David Deida (about whom I have very mixed feelings) wrote something along the lines that a woman will always miss a man who is gone until someone else touches her that deeply. Bobby is the first man since John who was capable of touching me that deeply. We've been so much more intimate with each other.

Either I should stop talking to him at all, or I should tell him it annoyed me. I promised him, when I didn't give him this URL, that I would tell him when stuff bothers me once I figured it out.

But the thing is, the process of sharing my feelings and fears and yearnings is drawing me closer to him than sex ever would. (Well, sex, by itself.)

I think maybe we just want such different things that it doesn't make any sense to try and square this circle. And if that's the case, I should just let him go. At least, that's what my head says. My heart says it is worth giving a chance to see what might come. But my head just thinks that's nonsense. Yet another form of bifurcation. I wish I didn't take all this so seriously. I wish I could 'play' and not care about the people I play with. I wish I didn't wish for clarity so much!