Platonic friends and Platonic Ideals

So, Bobby and I had a good talk, and I told him I couldn't be his friend.  And it made me cry.  There it is.

It is entirely possible that I am taking the lens that was formed by my relationship with Edward and strengthened by my relationship with John; I wish I could be Bobby's friend. He said "I'm not John" to which I said "but I'm still me." I don't see how.

What I would see happening is that I would want Bobby to want to be with me enough to want to make changes that he has hinted he thinks he should make.  I wouldn't put my dating life on hold, because I would know that would be crazy and maybe dating would make him a little, not jealous, but interested and remind him he could lose me. But I wouldn't be emotionally open to the other men.  I'm really only capable of being emotionally open, on that level, with one man at a time.

Lately, I've had a lot of openness and joy in my life.  When I laugh, I laugh from my belly.  I seem to have worked through enough of my pain and disappointment that I feel more open and spontaneous and playful and joyous.  Bobby said I'm both strong and fragile, and I think that is true, and that openness, that joyousness, I feel like I have to protect it.  If I tried to be Bobby's friend, my joy would be constricted by a fake smile.  I couldn't just be myself with him, because I would want something more.

Slowly, Bobby not wanting to be with me, would make me doubt myself.  I think my inner-monologues would start to center on all the ways that I'm not the conventional ideal in our culture.  Platonic friends would make me dwell on Platonic ideals, and it would feed into my insecurities.

I wish I saw a way to break that cycle.  Telling Bobby goodbye made me cry. I have this deep sadness and this sense of being emotionally wobbly. But I also have a sense that I had to do it.  I couldn't give of myself in that way without giving something that I needed.  I feel like better one more good cry than that constant critical voice telling me 'if only you were more thin/less opinionated/less intense/more friendly/more interested in fashion/less smart' that has been such a constant in my life.  Because that critical voice is almost always linked to my being single.  I don't know how to unweave the two.

It is interesting that Bobby, John and Steven all saw me as a pretty extraordinary woman, who was not like 'the others.' And all three saw me as both strong and fragile/vulnerable in different areas.  And all three wanted to protect me from how they were with women in 'the scene.'  And all three chose not to get involved with me.  I hope someday I can meet someone who will think I'm pretty extraordinary and want to protect me by being with me.  At least Bobby implied it was issues he was working on.  John basically didn't think he was capable of keeping is derision in check.  So I feel like I've moved up just a bit in the relationship ladder to be interested in a guy who believes change is hypothetically possible, even if he doesn't know when.