Exhiliration

I got stuck biking in the rain. I moved my iPod shuffle to inside my bra, to try and keep it dry and accepted that everything else would be wet. Once I stopped resisting and accepted that I had no control, I had a great evening!

Music defined my ride. First we had Sertab:

So the video is ridiculously sexy (and I don't care if all the man-on-man slithering in oil is part of their culture; it is homoerotic).  But there is also something so right on about that song that I just love. The clarity and intensity.  The capability of owning myself and saying "Living in the here and now.  I'm strong enough to say: Here I am. I'll never run away. I have made my connection. Seen my reflection in you.  So here I am."  If I ever get married, I want to dance to that song.

I really have done a lot of emotional work to be capable of saying "I'll never run away."  It isn't easy.  John couldn't do it, because he was so busy believing he wasn't lovable that he couldn't give love.  Bobby wouldn't do it. But I can.  And I need someone who can match my intensity.

And then the rain started pouring down (and this was my iPod shuffle's pick of music!!!!)

I kept wiping the rain off my face and throat, and there would be more and I'd run my hand over my face again.  Roughly. One of the most sensual things I've done in public in a long time. All the rain drops all over my body, and the wind and the music and exercise.  I felt so alive.  It reminded me of Winona Ryder in V for Vendetta, having the rain come down everywhere.

I don't think of myself as a huge Madonna fan, but this came up as the perfect backdrop.

Is it too much to ask that my sex life live up to my sensual life?

When all the hurt inside of me comes out,

You understand

You see that I'm ferocious,

You see that I am weak

You see that I am silly,
And pretentious and a freak

But I don't feel too strange for you

Don't know exactly what you do

I think when love is pure you try

To understand the reasons why

And I prefer this mystery

It cancels out my misery

And gives me hope that there could be

A person that loves me for me.

I ended up doing an extra mile and felt alive on a cellular level

And then someone cut me off in traffic and I almost hit a pedestraian walking in the road, in the rain, at night, and I realized, there's just as many dangers in a sensual life as a sexual life.  And, of course, I'll take my bike out again this week, and not even remember the white mini-van that could have killed me.  It was probably more dangerous than anything that has happened in my life of kink and I won't remember tomorrow.  Both have their dangers.  I have a resilience in my sensual life that isn't present in my sexual life.  And when I have a bike ride like that it is a delight and a joy, but unexpected.  Maybe I just have standards that are too high.  Maybe I should settle and bifurcate and let go of demanding authentic engagement. The Real.  Maybe I'm like Stew, looking for something in life that can only be found in art.

The real is a construct
The raw nerve's private zone.
It's a personal sunset
You walk off into.  Alone.

But it was a thrilling bike ride!  I'm a little surprised my iPod didn't play Father figure, since it seemed to be hitting all my other rock buttons (my iPod shuffle only have rock on it).  And then as I was proofreading, a guy I've been e-mailing for a while called and we talked for about an hour.  He is a psychologist.  And a switch (that might be interesting...).  And we're having coffee on Sunday.  I have no idea if it will work, but it does seem that I will once again be infatuated with the possiblities of the unknown.