And, so....
Damnit. Bobby made me feel like there is less I can compromise on. I really do want a relationship with someone who believes in personal growth, and can talk about that kind of stuff. And I sort of feel like that variable is very unlikely with kink. Maybe I'm wrong. But it seems statistically anomalous. Most of the "Dom" men I've men are so into being 'right' that they haven't done the dark-night-of-the-soul stuff. And most of the St. John of the Crosses of the world, I find them, well, they can't interest me sexually, but they can interest me on a vanilla, an introspective and an intellectual level. Maybe surrender can live only in fantasies.
I'll try (again--even though it hasn't worked before) having my sexual fantasies live only in my head. I'll start dating that way. I might sign up for vanilla speed dating this week and for another bike ride this Saturday. It is clearly the best way to meet men I've tried in a while, and I have fun and get out on a beautiful island. (This week's bike ride is only 60 miles (and they have pancakes at the start! How cool that I get an excuse to carb out, without worrying about what I'm eating for a day. Maybe I only want to do rides with good food in the future.)
The quality of the men I'm currently meeting on CM do not live up to the Bobby/John standard. Of course, I met them both there (and I won't pull down my profile). But then, neither of them worked out, and I met them 4 years apart. Maybe Bobby will, someday, want to give things a try. But for the moment, it feels like John all over again. This intense connection, a sense that things are going somewhere, and then.... I need to assume Bobby isn't interested in me; I can't spend a year hoping he'll change. If Bobby changes his mind, he knows where to find me. But in the meanwhile, it seems there is one less thing I'm compromising on, and that reduces the kind of guys I'll date by 100-fold.
And Bobby, since I assume someday when you're bored, you'll read this. ... Ack, this is exactly the sort of thing I didn't want to do; it feels manipulative or sloppy or something. The communication gets messy. I assume you'll read this. So then, I don't feel the need to tell you something because I've written it here (and it isn't something I'd tell you anyway), and I feel like if I do tell you, then I'm being needy and demanding because I've assumed you'll read it whether or not you do. And, of course, I don't feel like I can blog about you the same way because you could read it. But, I gave you the URL because, well, because I wasn't being clear enough in direct communication to you, perhaps? And perhaps I wanted you to know me better? And maybe I felt like you knowing what I was scared to say would make some sort of difference? Although what or why I thought, I don't know. I made my bed.... I wish I could sleep.
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