Blogging while drunk

Date was fine.  We went for a walk in John and my park, and I didn't even think about John until after.  Date said he wanted to see me again; I said I'd like that.  We'll see if he calls.  No one should get a name here until the 3rd date.  So we'll see.

Then I meant a very old friend of mine to work out at the gym.  We went out for dinner (and drank quite a bit) then to a bar for more.  I always drink too much with him. (He kind of pressures me to drink.)

They are showing porn on the large-screen tvs and the unbelievably cute bartender, wearing nothing but briefs (and brief briefs) flirts with me.  I'm enough of a fag hag to know it means nothing, but it is always nice the way gay men flirt.  It is sweet.  So many men flirt with me in that easy, gay-men/straight-women way.  The bouncer at the door checks my ID and pretends to think is fake.  There is a nice, easy affirmation.  A way of saying "you really are attractive.  If I were straight..."  It is playful, but there is an underlying warmth.

But I just have this realization that women are really just interchangeable.  I don't want to believe it.  But that is what it means to live in a patriarchy.  I think that falling in love is the process of realizing that one woman in the whole world is not interchangeable.  And then men fortify their hearts and we are once again interchangeable.  My gay male friends see men in much the same way.  (Ironically, my gay male friends do not see me as just a generic female.)  

I think that is why Bobby could let me go so easily.  It wasn't the right time to meet someone like me.  When it is the right time, he will meet someone else like me.  Why try so hard?  Fundamentally, there are different kinds of women, but there's always plenty more where that came from.

It is funny I assume Bobby doesn't read this.  However, the one area that multiple men have assured me that I am unique is through my writing.  I get men every day on CM who love my writing.  Usually they are married to vanilla women and wish they had waited for someone like me.  Usually they thought they could/would/should live without kink.  I don't understand how they made that choice.  Maybe it is because 'the talk' that my parents had with me included why you can't wait until your married and how important sexual compatibility is.

I have this one kind-of ex-friend.  She married a man she didn't love, and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding, because I felt obligated once she asked me to.  But I lost all respect for her for marrying for a house in the suburbs.  I have a house.I want to invite someone I love to share it.  But I can't view the men as interchangeable. The cynical part of me tries to.  But it is an act.  The sweet man today, if he calls and we go out again, well, he is more sweet and open.  Less hard.  It wouldn't be as sexy as Bobby.  I think.  But it could be warm and playful.  He kissed me goodbye on the cheek.  (Really!  We met on CM, and he kisses me goodbye on the cheek.)  But on one level, that is kind of sweet.  And clearly those first dates where I french kiss a guy rarely seem to work.  So maybe a cheek kiss makes sense.  Who knows?  I'm tipsy.  This is incoherent.  But "in vino, veritas" so it seems useful to blog.