On Tuesday, I lost it at work. A contractor fucked up and I lost it and cried. I haven't cried like that in public since I was 16. Usually I get angry, cold, or dictatorial, but everything was going wrong, contractor's A's mistakes meant contractor B couldn't finish on time, which meant contractor C, etc, and I saw some things slipping out of my grasp. Surprisingly, the contractor M found a way to make it better, after he saw me run to the ladies room and heard me crying.
I felt like I had been manipulative. I've never been that woman who uses tears to get what I want. I hardly ever let anyone see my cry. I felt like I'd lost control and I didn't want to get my way that way, but I was also so grateful that things got fixed.
I told Bobby what had happened, and he hasn't texted, emailed or called since. I can't really believe that that is 'what I did wrong,' and if it is, well bullet dodged. At least I think that, but I don't feel it. I keep feeling 'I'll change!" He has shared having difficulties, and we've both shared issues we've worked through in the past. I keep second and third guessing everything. I told him my favorite Broadway show of the last decade was Passing Strange and he said he would get it on DVD. Maybe he was offended by it? (Bobby is African-American, and the show is about an African-American guy, but it is by an African-American guy and Spike Lee filmed it, so I don't think that it really would have offended him so much he'd never want to talk to me again--indeed, I can't really think what would have been so offensive. That can't be it. But there must be something? I want there to be something, because then I could change it. Not do it again. Not fuck up the next relationship.)
It makes me very, very sad. Truly Madly Deeply Sad. I so liked him. I really did. I don't understand, and not understanding makes me feel like this will always happen.
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