Letting go of illusions and don't confuse it with dreams.

Oy. I tried to write Bobby directly and I couldn't do it! Why is it so much harder to have direct communication?

I guess part of it is the directness. Here, I say what I observe, what I feel, what I'm going to do. There are no demands. But to put it in an e-mail cuts out a level of removal. (His real name isn't even Bobby and mine isn't Constance. Shock!)

I think of myself as having good communication skills, but clearly there are very real limits.

I think that Bobby and I have no chance, but I feel like 'wow--too cool a human to not try and make it work! How few people there are on this planet that I click with on those levels--how could it not work?' But then there was a guy I dated after John and I broke up the first time, and I can only remember his real name--older guy, and he said he was in love with me, and I was clearly becoming smitten with him, and I thought 'if he is in love with me, how can we not make this work--isn't that everything?' and of course, it wasn't. He didn't want to be as young as I am--he wanted to get ready for retirement, and I wanted to maybe have kids. (I still want to maybe have kids. Not that it is for sure. But I think I want to.)

I also think that 'playing hard to get' is good advice for women. Not liking a guy seems to be the easiest way to make a man interested in me. But I hope that there are some men for whom that is not true. But, of course, giving Bobby the url was the opposite of that. It confirmed, in writing, that I do really like him.

But it doesn't change why it is easier to publish stuff for everyone, that one man might or might now read, as opposed to direct communication with one man.

I want to be the kind of person, in the kind of relationship, that supports open, honest, direct communication. But I want a life partner. I don't want to lie. I want kink. I want introspection and some respect for spiritual meanderings and intellect and playful kindness and warmth, and a sexy voice and someone who smells good. That seems like a very high bar, and I suppose I have to start figuring out which of those I can release. I don't even know which are the illusions and which are the dreams.