On several occasions he had broached the idea of us being friends. He clearly wants me in his life (wow, this sounds like John at many points and frankly Edward (is that the name I gave him? Very good, vanilla, friend of long ago). I wonder if I'm doing something to create a pattern where I bring men into my life who so clearly want me as a 'friend,' and who are clearly attracted to me (as I am to them) but don't want to make a romantic/sexual commitment. I don't know what I'd be doing, but I am the common factor in those relationships. Or maybe humanity is the common factor and I shouldn't try and figure out what is wrong with me for having flawed, human connection.)
Anyway, I kind of nixed the "friends" idea yesterday during the following text message exchange:
I love the way you say sir--it's so sexy the way you say it.. And as a Dominant I have certainly heard it a lot:-).
At which point I asked him to invite me up for the weekend. And then he told me he has play subs and 'one true slave.'
I hadn't realized how important the way he spoke about the woman who broke his heart last year has been to me. But it was clear that he was open, vulnerable, able to commit. He was willing to have both a long-distance relationship and a future family with her, which felt to me like he was saying "these things were not obstacles in the past" and I took that to mean "and therefore they don't have to be obstacles in the future."
It feels to me like now he is filling his life with 'play subs.' Or maybe his 'one true slave' is all he wants. But it feels to me like part of him wants more than that, or he wouldn't have spent so much time with me, clearly wanting the introversion and the intellectual connection as well. I thought he wanted to be able to combine intellect and introversion with kink, but maybe he can bifurcate those parts of himself with different people. Maybe I have to bifurcate those parts of myself as well.
I think part of him wants what he could have had with the woman who broke up with him and hurt him. But filling his life with women that he doesn't have as strong an intellectual or introspective connection will keep him from getting hurt again.
But I can't change him. I can only figure out what I need to do. And I can't be friends with him. I just can't. I can't imagine trying to make something work with David, or any other guy, if I have Bobby in my life.
If only I could bifurcate my life that way. I know I could have kink in one room and a vanilla relationship in another, and maybe even an intellectual and introspective connection in a Bobby room. But I SO want to be able to combine those. I don't want to lie to people. Eros, for me, is about those parts all being OK at the same time. If I can't combine those with one person, I can't do the intellectual and introspective thing with Bobby because it would sabotage any chance I might have with someone in the future, even if it were just romance and kink. I couldn't ask a man to be with me, knowing that I had such a powerful connection with Bobby. Part of me would be hoping he would come around.
I don't think I would hurt him, I honestly think we might have the possibility of 'for keeps' (as John used to say), I think I can only be with a man who is open to the possibility of being hurt again.
Maybe it is time to give Bobby the URL. I didn't want to give him my blog address if we were going to be together. (He is actually the first man since John who even knew I had a blog.) I wanted a place to work through my feelings. But I also told him I would tell him if I had figured out how I was feeling. And I guess I've figured it out. But I'll try and sleep a little more and see if this sits right in my stomach.
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