Sorry-Grateful. Regretful-Happy.

I slept well last night.

I'm so sorry I said goodbye to Bobby, and deeply clear that for me, being who I am, it was the right thing to do.

And I grateful to Bobby for being kind and open, even as I was telling him I wouldn't be his friend.  There is a clear sense of closure I've rarely had with other men (although John's funeral was clear closure, of a different kind).  John guilt-tripped me a huge amount about not wanting to be friends.  Bobby told me to trust my intuition when I said I didn't think I could be his friend, and that was so kind. I feel like we both have loving kindness for the other.  I've always wanted to be able to end relationships that way (even if I'd rather not end them).  (Although I notice that I've just lost all interest in David, and when he inevitably calls me in a week or 2, I'm going to blow him off.  I told him the intermittentness wasn't working for me.  He said he heard me, then disappeared again.)

Part of me wishes we had been clearer from the beginning because I think if we hadn't been so sexual the first day, we might have had a chance to be friends.  But I am also grateful to know so clearly that someone like him would be so attracted to someone like me.  And it was a magical day.  Part of me hopes he'll decided he wants me enough to quit the behaviour that is incompatible with being with me.  But part of me knows that isn't it.  He is where he is and if he can't change for himself, he can't change for another person.  But who knows, maybe our paths will cross one day in the future.  In the meanwhile, I have a date on Sunday.