Yeah. Anxious

So, like the 4th time, I actually tried to be straight-forward and open with Bobby. And that didn't work! I mean, I'm sure he'll respond at some point, but it made me feel all anxious and icky inside. In a way that posting something that I knew he could read, but probably wouldn't until he got bored, didn't make me feel anxious.

Is it because I'm just not submissive here? This is my blog, my thoughts, my world, and I control it? I feel good about my own writing, and I think I'm working on some wisdom. I don't have anything to prove here. I'm not looking to anyone for approval or affirmation. (I recently figured out how to access stats, and I know I got 140 pageviews last month, and that was pretty affirming to me. I figured it would be like 2 pageviews. If 140 people are reading this, or 14 people are checking it 10 times a month, I like that. Thank you readers. I'm glad some of you are out there!) I'm coming from a place of confidence.

But I also told Bobby that while I thought we were in different places and nothing would work, I wanted to check my assumptions because I would like it if something did. Ooooh. Vulnerable! How does one have vulnerability and strength at the same time? I guess it is by knowing that I'll be fine if he says "yeah--not interested." I mean, I'll be sad. But I'll be fine.

And while I don't think it will be with Bobby, I practiced telling Bobby what I needed and he heard me! I am practicing an important skill that will serve me well.

And sooner or later, being open and clear, hopefully, it will make the sort of relationship possible. I will be ready to meet a man who could be a right man for me. So it is worth the anxiousness. And I'm glad I'm able to notice it, and say "yeah, anxiousness" instead of just going out for ice-cream. Or a pumpkin muffin. Or a cupcake. Or....

Yeah. Anxiousness.