Is it because I'm just not submissive here? This is my blog, my thoughts, my world, and I control it? I feel good about my own writing, and I think I'm working on some wisdom. I don't have anything to prove here. I'm not looking to anyone for approval or affirmation. (I recently figured out how to access stats, and I know I got 140 pageviews last month, and that was pretty affirming to me. I figured it would be like 2 pageviews. If 140 people are reading this, or 14 people are checking it 10 times a month, I like that. Thank you readers. I'm glad some of you are out there!) I'm coming from a place of confidence.
But I also told Bobby that while I thought we were in different places and nothing would work, I wanted to check my assumptions because I would like it if something did. Ooooh. Vulnerable! How does one have vulnerability and strength at the same time? I guess it is by knowing that I'll be fine if he says "yeah--not interested." I mean, I'll be sad. But I'll be fine.
And while I don't think it will be with Bobby, I practiced telling Bobby what I needed and he heard me! I am practicing an important skill that will serve me well.
And sooner or later, being open and clear, hopefully, it will make the sort of relationship possible. I will be ready to meet a man who could be a right man for me. So it is worth the anxiousness. And I'm glad I'm able to notice it, and say "yeah, anxiousness" instead of just going out for ice-cream. Or a pumpkin muffin. Or a cupcake. Or....
Yeah. Anxiousness.
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