I was surprised to see that people are still reading one of the last posts I wrote about John (2 flawed beautiful humans). Someone must have linked to it from somewhere, because it is getting several hits a day every day. So I reread it, and I hadn't read any of our writing since the day I wrote that.
Wow, John and I were so mismatched. So very mismatched. And who knows what of that had to do with his brain damage. Obviously, I don't know when he was having strokes. He did tell me, scared, that he had forgotten our conversation about whether this was 'for keeps' and borrowing my ring, and I, being me, or maybe being a human female, felt like 'if he cared about me, he wouldn't forget something like that.' I don't think I blogged that much about the things that kept drawing me nearer to him, because he wasn't consistent and I didn't want him to look bad, even to an anonymous web audience.
And I can see patterns that I bring to my life.
I really don't deal well with uncertainty. I like things clear, focused, open. I want to know why I'm feeling something, and I want the people in my life to be clear as well. Bobby didn't reply to my e-mail yesterday, and I think there is a 99% chance that he got it and read it and is thinking and a 1% chance it ended up in his spam folder. But I want clear, open communication now! Gosh darn it! And my desire for clarity in a way can fuck things up because I spend time trying to figure things out, rather than just be. "Your epiphanies will become your fair-weather friends." Yet when the weather is fair, they feel like real friends.
Maybe I need to learn to be with a little of the uncertainty of life. But it feels like a fist in my stomach that I want to loosen and don't know how. All I can do right now is recognize it and try to send a little loving kindness there, rather than resisting it. But I really want to change it!
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