"Someone else's desires get lodged in your brain."

So Bobby and I had a good talk. It is clear he has several gals he is involved with. My sense is that they aren't all that serious, but he doesn't necessarily want something serious. He didn't intend to meet someone like me right now. There is distance, and there is (although he didn't say it--I'm reading into it), not wanting something serious right now.

I made it clear (and he agreed) that the thought of us being friends wouldn't work. I had thought maybe it could, but every time we talk, we flirt. We both think the other is incredibly sexy. The fact that we both respect the other's intellect and we can share on an introspective level doesn't mitigate the fact that we'd like to rip each other's clothes off. He, I think, really wanted to believe we could be friends. I tend to see heart break on that road.

Part of me wants to tell Bobby that I just want to be his, whatever that looks like. I've never tried poly--maybe I could make it work? But I think I'm too greedy for that. It isn't so much the thought of him sleeping with other gals, it is wanting more than he'd give, and understanding if it was work or family, but not if it was a pet. Part of me thinks, give it a try. I want him so badly, it hurts. But. But. But. But. But. But.

But what of those buts are someone else's desires?

But I know I do want to have at least one child. Maybe get married. Is that incompatible? The first time we met, Bobby said things that made me think he was open to having kids. He talked about this woman he was in love with, who broke his heart. Having the subs he's fooling around with seems very much at odds with the way he presented himself when we first met. I guess that's always the case.

Meanwhile, David and I are flirting on-line. I don't know where it is going. I don't know what to do. David has said he'd like to have kids with me. And David and I work sexually. And I think he'd be a great father, although I think there are times I'd want him to take more responsibility(shock). And I wouldn't have to try and talk him into something. Come January, we'll be living in the same metropolitan area. But I don't get the sense he'd ever be interested in my writing. I mean, maybe a bit, but not the same way. I don't feel like he has personal growth as a goal. He feels very focused on doing what needs to be done, but not anything that had the word 'meta' in front of it.

Maybe I should just drop them both and try to find someone else entirely. Or see them both, and another guy too (no one in particular, just because 3s are always nice) and try to get over my desire for a single anything. There's a nice switch guy I'm talking with. Several other Doms. Maybe I should just let both Bobby and David go and hope there are plenty of fish.

I wish I knew how to turn my life into a work of art, and still have the same intense connectedness I yearn for.