Maxearnest and I had a very nice conversation this morning--he is sort of viewing almost a collaboration between my "power woman" side and him to take care of my private girl. My public side is much more articulate and faster and able to see connections and ways around difficulties and my young girl is so slow at articulating anything. Maxearnest really likes that my 'power woman' can articulate the stuff that my submissive side can't. I said this morning that any sexual explicit stuff on Skype terrified me because I just don't want video or dirty pictures of me to exist, and he was, I think, surprised at how hard that was for me. (I volunteer doing college prep for kids with limited resources, and we talk about how important it is to control your digital footprint. We look at the revenge porn sites and women who are humiliated and horrified, who trusted someone, and I'm really trying to get the kids to control what is available. I tell my kids to just not make those pictures available because once you make them, you cannot control them. If you don't want google to have naked photos of you in 20 years, don't make naked photos. Maybe I've been using scare tactics on them, but until now, I've really believed that. This is something that really scares me.) Maxearnest was really surprised, I think, at how much that scared me, and the fact that that means I don't completely trust him. He is, I think, OK with that for now, but wants to have that as a tool after Iceland. More importantly, he wants me to trust him. But we talked through it. It was hard. I think that is the most articulating discomfort that my young girl side has ever done. But afterwards, I felt heard and honored. (I'm still terrified of 'camming' though...)
Then at work, a boss chewed me out. I had spoken with my immediate supervisor about a change 2 years ago, and he said no, because my upper tier boss had a policy against it. (I have three bosses at this job, an immediate supervisor, a higher level supervisor and the upper-tier boss. The lower two are both men, and the upper-tier is a woman.) The chance to do it again came up and I asked my immediate supervisor, who again said no, because of the policy of the upper-tier boss, so I sent an e-mail to my upper-tier boss; she said "that makes sense, go for it" and my immediate supervisor than made it happen. Well, my higher-level supervisor chewed me out like I could not believe today. He as SO angry at me! He couldn't believe I'd gone over his head, when it honestly never occurred to me that he'd care or I should talk to him first. He was SO mean and so sarcastic, and my public side had to be a bit submissive. I apologized, profusely. I said I didn't know (which was true) and he spat "ignorance is bliss." He then got really angry at me for having president's day off (which is stipulated in the contract for all employees at my level) and a couple of other things that I don't control. I don't think he is going to try and fire me over it, but it really shook me up. He also got mad at his boss, our upper-tier supervisor and told her that she shouldn't have approved it.
I may have fucked things up at work. I honestly didn't know, and I'm going to try and make it better, but I don't really know how. But my boss is like that--he will pick on my for shit that makes absolutely no sense. I'm never able to predict what he wants. Last year he got quite mad at me because he didn't like an e-mail about a grant. (Not an e-mail I sent, but an e-mail that an outsider grant-agency sent me.)
I felt really, really shaken afterwards. Like I had been a 'bad girl.' Even though I know my boss is less qualified than I am (he doesn't have a JD, and was grandfathered in, but could never get the job he has now) and every single female that works for him has a hard time with him, I still feel like I did something wrong.
It is interesting how hard it was to have my 'young girl' try to explain to Maxearnest why something scared me (I don't know that I was at all articulate, but I did manage to do it a little) and how good it felt when I had done that. It actually felt empowering for that side of my personality to be able to say something like that. And then my public side did what I do well, I think. I think I assuaged a situation, a little, with a tiny bit of dignity and aplomb. But I didn't stand up for myself (in part because I wasn't expecting it and didn't know what to say, and my boss just plain old scares me and in part because my boss wouldn't even let me speak). And even though I thought I hadn't done anything wrong, I felt really shaken. I felt like a bad girl.
It's funny. My dad, whom I haven't spoken to in a month, says I need to do a better job of standing up for myself. But I usually don't even know how. I can't quit this job. Losing this job terrifies me. I need this job. And so I subjugate myself (only on a very occasional basis--he has a fit like this maybe twice a year). And it makes me feel like a very, very bad girl. And that feeling of being a bad girl is almost always over something I didn't predict or don't feel like I can control.
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