Possession

This is, of course, building a castle in the air.  I know we will, if we decide to go there, need to build foundations before we can move in.  But I am beginning to see possibilities that I, until this point, considered unlikely.

It seems that if Iceland goes well, Maxearnest will come to visit for a month or so in April.  And if that happens, and that goes well, at some point or other, it is possible that Maxearnest would want to own me.  And what shocks me is that I am open to that.  I think I will want that too.

Maxearnest doesn't view that as having a servant; who views it as a great responsibility.  And he likes the parts of me that I like.  He doesn't know the 'power woman' as well as just about anyone else, but he likes that side of me too.

And I see myself on Skype--I can always see myself in the top right hand corner.  And the joy I have with him is palpable.

The 'young girl' side is blossoming, and it is really lovely to see.

With the ex, I tried to get him to protect my 'bounciness.'  And what I meant by that was the joy and resilience and groundedness and spontaneity and openness.  I have a little figurine of Tigger.  Most of my tchotchkes are more elegant, or more exotic, or more sentimental.  I don't buy Disney stuff--I buy hand-hewn Indonesian dragons.  But I love that little figure of Tigger, because that is a quality in myself that is important to me.  And Maxearnest has spoken, in different words, of the same thing.  And he sees it as a responsibility to protect that.  He has said that things may be hard in the short run, and he appreciates that I will endure pain to please him, but he will make sure that it is joyful in the long run.

I own two cats.  And yes, there are times I push them off the bed when they want attention and I don't want to give it to them.  And there are times I pick them up and pet them when they don't really want to be picked up.  But that ownership is responsibility.  Every other man who has wanted to 'own' me didn't see the responsibility side.  The ex basically saw it as a housekeeper who would blow him whenever he wanted.  He didn't really care if I was happy.  I don't know if he ever really saw me happy.  That's not true--one days I had a blog-entry picked up on HuffingtonPost, and the ex went and bought ice-cream and fed me while I blogged, and he was very proud of me for that. But Maxearnest makes me happy nearly all the time, and he can see when I'm happy and when I'm not.  If he wants to take on the responsibility of making decisions for two, I believe he would balance my needs with his.  He would balance both instead of making either one a priority.  I think it could feel like coming home.