Last week, I told Maxearnest that I wanted him to trust that he could push me. I could be strong for him, and I wanted him to know I was strong enough to meet him. I trust him to keep the equilibrium, and that is giving me a strength I haven’t had before as a submissive. Evidently, he took me at my word. He had me doing something a little more difficult on Skype today--well two difficult things. One involved a little more pain, of a kind that makes me more numb than hungry. Maxearnest told me to get the devious little pain-inducer, and my head said “Please don’t make me do that!” But I obeyed. And then I hoped he just wanted to see that I’d obey, but not make me use it. But he told me to use it. My head said “I don’t want to do this! Please! Don’t make me do this!” But another part of me just obeyed. I didn't ask him to change his mind. I didn’t even complain. I didn’t really tell him how hard it was for me. I just obeyed. I think, however, if I hadn't been quite so rebellious in my head, it would have been a lot easier. And he had me do something that took away a little dignity. That happens. I know it is part of the process, but it is something that I resist on some level. I do obey--I just wish I didn’t have to. When he was stripping away a little dignity, my head was saying “why do I have to do this?” I kept doing what I was told, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to. I know that for all the talk of saying “I’m your slave,” I still have times I don’t feel like I want to obey. (Yes, that’s a lot of the first-person subject pronoun for someone who is embracing the word ‘slave’ with a ‘master.’) I don’t think I've ever told Maxearnest no. (I don't think I even ever told the ex no. Actually, I did once. The ex liked rough anal, and after he tore me, the doctor said no anal and the ex went to have anal again, I safeworded. But then, it was like I was obeying the doctor--I wasn’t just not obeying someone. I would like to think I could have told the ex no, but I never did. Although, after we broke up and he tried to get me back, before we got together, I made it very clear I wouldn’t get together with the ex without some major changes. That was the power-woman, protecting the young girl. But once young girl appeared, I didn’t have the strength, or the ability, or something, when I was with him to take care of myself.
I don’t know how to submit and to take care of myself. With me, it’s all or nothing.
So it is damn good that Maxearnest cares, deeply, about taking care of me. It isn’t an intellectual thing--it is far deeper than that. When we finished the difficult things today, and I went back to my sofa (where he rarely pushes me--he pushes me more in the hall), Maxearnest realized I was having a hard time. Sometimes, when I’m obeying, I just focus on obeying and it isn’t till it is done that I realize how hard something was for me. It is like I can either obey or I can monitor what I’m feeling, but I can’t seem to do both. When it was done today, Maxearnest wanted better light, which is actually really important, because he reads my face, and he reads it well,, but in trying to get better light, my foot got tangled in my Skype headset and I almost dropped my computer, and I was on the edge of tears. Maxearnest still had my breasts hanging out as we cuddled, and I just felt all exposed and couldn’t get my equilibrium. I asked him once if I could put my breasts back in, but he wanted them out. They weren’t in the picture, but I really felt it.
Maxearnest feels remorse if he pushes me too hard, even if it is just for a moment. I almost want to fake it when I’m having a hard time because it makes him so sad that I’m sad, and I feel like he is berating himself, even though that is just life--he has to push me to figure out the limits and sometimes for whatever reason, something will be pushed too far for a moment. I don’t believe he would ever make me do something just because it was hot for him, if it was hurtful for me. I hate thinking that my weakness causes him pain. But there’s no way we could have the relationship we do if I lied to him with my face or tried to hide emotions from him.
Finally, Maxearnest asked what I want, because he could pick up from my face that it was still hard for me. All his kind words weren’t comforting me. When he asked what he could do to make me feel better, I asked again about my breasts and he said yes, if that’s what I wanted, and I started to recharge. I think Maxearnest wants me to tell him if he’s given me contradictory orders (“Feel cuddled” and “show your breasts”) but I’m not very good at that. I can’t seem to make the ‘feel good’ orders as important as the “do this” orders. I told Maxearnesst that I didn’t think, if I’d already asked something, that I could ask a second time, so he said he would try to ask what I wanted when my mood was off. I thought it was really lovely he both accepted my limitation and would do that.
The fact that I don’t do a good job of taking care of myself, is OK because he has accepted taking care of me as his responsibility. And he takes it seriously. It seems like a lot to put on someone, but I also know that I can’t actually submit and also take care of myself. I did tell him I really hated what we did today, but I didn’t tell him at the time--I told him afterwards. Maxearnest said we wouldn’t do it on Skype very often. (When we’re together--it is different. I can feel his hand. I can cuddle against him. He can kiss away my fears and I can hear his heart beat.) But it surprised me he would say we wouldn’t do that often, because I do feel like it is his right to demand whatever he wants. If something is hot for him, I should be able to do it, regardless of the impact on me. Honestly, I feel that he has the right to make me miserable if he wanted.
But one of the big reasons I’m with him is because he doesn’t want me to endure being miserable. He wants me to be happy. More than wants--it confirms his dominance that he sees me so joyous. I don’t know how I got it in my bones that if I’ve given myself to a man, then I should endure whatever he wants, and the only decision I can make is ‘do I obey or do I leave forever.’ That’s kind of fucked up. Really fucked up. No wonder my power-woman has been so hyper-vigilant.
But Maxearnest is as committed to me being happy as I am to pleasing him. (And really, I am far more committed to pleasing him than I am to obeying him. I think that is why a command to ‘feel comforted’ is far easier to ignore than a command to display myself. I don’t even realize I’m ignoring his command. I don’t hear those orders the same way. But, of course, it is always easier to make my body obey than my mind.) We both please the other; we just do it in different ways. But his commitment to take care of me makes everything else possible.
Of course, the question of why this all is necessary looms large. What in me needs to submit to things that I don’t want to do? Is it because it proves the dynamic? Is it earning love? Is it proving myself? Or is it something about discarding obedience to my logical, linear mind and moving beyond a visceral understanding of the world? I think they are intertwined in this braided rope that binds me. My logical brain--is that the left brain or something else? Something more primal, something that taught my ancestors to take their hand away from the fire when it hurt-- that part of me still rebels. But this other part, this part I can’t name, says “please Maxearnest.” Use me. Claim me.
Does breaking down my ego, my logical view of the world, which has many false, limiting worldviews, does breaking that down allow him to rebuild me, stronger, loved and loving, joyous and confident? It seems odd. I’ve always hated the thought of anyone ‘breaking’ a person, but, on another level, my J.D. program really broke me down and then built me up in ways for which I remain grateful.
I can’t help but notice how the typical tropes of discipline and punish, of Foucalt and Sade, of Anne Rice and Molly Weatherfield and the martyrdom of Catholic saints, how they coalesce and make sense. Have I embraced this narrative because of the patriarchal and capitalist hegemony that poisoned my mind with sexist images? Or did those images of primal, animalistic mating exist before homo-sabiens, and am I lucky to have this key to unlock my desire?
I still remember my first kinky act with another human. I was in college and there was a man I was flirting with (who, incidentally had the same first name as Maxearnest’s middle name). I was ridiculously attracted to him, but found out he was married. We stopped flirting, but after a year or two, he explained he was in an open relationship. I considered it. We flirted. And one day, he came over to me and used his pencil as if it were an eyeliner. And I let him. Including under my eyes, which involved me trusting him enough to keep my eye open while he traced along the line between my eyelashes and my eyeball. It was really my first act of submission in real life. (For what it is worth, I chickened out and all that ever happened between us was an incredibly hot kiss. I, correctly I believe, came to the conclusion that I wasn’t mature enough to handle an open relationship and I would be jealous. But it was a decision that part of me always regretted) But that act of trusting him enough to keep my eye open while he had me so vulnerable and took care of me stuck with me over the decades.
And here is Maxearnest. Asking I trust him enough to keep my eyes open, and assiduously taking care. He could demand more of me and I would acquiesce. But I wouldn’t be so joyous. He reads me enough to know how far he can push me and still have me be happy. Occasionally, he’ll push a wee bit farther, and it will take me a little longer to find my equilibrium. But I know he won’t push me farther than that. And so, I say, Yes. Thank you. Yes to whatever Maxearnest wants, and thank you to a universe that sent him to find me.
I don’t know how to submit and to take care of myself. With me, it’s all or nothing.
So it is damn good that Maxearnest cares, deeply, about taking care of me. It isn’t an intellectual thing--it is far deeper than that. When we finished the difficult things today, and I went back to my sofa (where he rarely pushes me--he pushes me more in the hall), Maxearnest realized I was having a hard time. Sometimes, when I’m obeying, I just focus on obeying and it isn’t till it is done that I realize how hard something was for me. It is like I can either obey or I can monitor what I’m feeling, but I can’t seem to do both. When it was done today, Maxearnest wanted better light, which is actually really important, because he reads my face, and he reads it well,, but in trying to get better light, my foot got tangled in my Skype headset and I almost dropped my computer, and I was on the edge of tears. Maxearnest still had my breasts hanging out as we cuddled, and I just felt all exposed and couldn’t get my equilibrium. I asked him once if I could put my breasts back in, but he wanted them out. They weren’t in the picture, but I really felt it.
Maxearnest feels remorse if he pushes me too hard, even if it is just for a moment. I almost want to fake it when I’m having a hard time because it makes him so sad that I’m sad, and I feel like he is berating himself, even though that is just life--he has to push me to figure out the limits and sometimes for whatever reason, something will be pushed too far for a moment. I don’t believe he would ever make me do something just because it was hot for him, if it was hurtful for me. I hate thinking that my weakness causes him pain. But there’s no way we could have the relationship we do if I lied to him with my face or tried to hide emotions from him.
Finally, Maxearnest asked what I want, because he could pick up from my face that it was still hard for me. All his kind words weren’t comforting me. When he asked what he could do to make me feel better, I asked again about my breasts and he said yes, if that’s what I wanted, and I started to recharge. I think Maxearnest wants me to tell him if he’s given me contradictory orders (“Feel cuddled” and “show your breasts”) but I’m not very good at that. I can’t seem to make the ‘feel good’ orders as important as the “do this” orders. I told Maxearnesst that I didn’t think, if I’d already asked something, that I could ask a second time, so he said he would try to ask what I wanted when my mood was off. I thought it was really lovely he both accepted my limitation and would do that.
The fact that I don’t do a good job of taking care of myself, is OK because he has accepted taking care of me as his responsibility. And he takes it seriously. It seems like a lot to put on someone, but I also know that I can’t actually submit and also take care of myself. I did tell him I really hated what we did today, but I didn’t tell him at the time--I told him afterwards. Maxearnest said we wouldn’t do it on Skype very often. (When we’re together--it is different. I can feel his hand. I can cuddle against him. He can kiss away my fears and I can hear his heart beat.) But it surprised me he would say we wouldn’t do that often, because I do feel like it is his right to demand whatever he wants. If something is hot for him, I should be able to do it, regardless of the impact on me. Honestly, I feel that he has the right to make me miserable if he wanted.
But one of the big reasons I’m with him is because he doesn’t want me to endure being miserable. He wants me to be happy. More than wants--it confirms his dominance that he sees me so joyous. I don’t know how I got it in my bones that if I’ve given myself to a man, then I should endure whatever he wants, and the only decision I can make is ‘do I obey or do I leave forever.’ That’s kind of fucked up. Really fucked up. No wonder my power-woman has been so hyper-vigilant.
But Maxearnest is as committed to me being happy as I am to pleasing him. (And really, I am far more committed to pleasing him than I am to obeying him. I think that is why a command to ‘feel comforted’ is far easier to ignore than a command to display myself. I don’t even realize I’m ignoring his command. I don’t hear those orders the same way. But, of course, it is always easier to make my body obey than my mind.) We both please the other; we just do it in different ways. But his commitment to take care of me makes everything else possible.
Of course, the question of why this all is necessary looms large. What in me needs to submit to things that I don’t want to do? Is it because it proves the dynamic? Is it earning love? Is it proving myself? Or is it something about discarding obedience to my logical, linear mind and moving beyond a visceral understanding of the world? I think they are intertwined in this braided rope that binds me. My logical brain--is that the left brain or something else? Something more primal, something that taught my ancestors to take their hand away from the fire when it hurt-- that part of me still rebels. But this other part, this part I can’t name, says “please Maxearnest.” Use me. Claim me.
Does breaking down my ego, my logical view of the world, which has many false, limiting worldviews, does breaking that down allow him to rebuild me, stronger, loved and loving, joyous and confident? It seems odd. I’ve always hated the thought of anyone ‘breaking’ a person, but, on another level, my J.D. program really broke me down and then built me up in ways for which I remain grateful.
I can’t help but notice how the typical tropes of discipline and punish, of Foucalt and Sade, of Anne Rice and Molly Weatherfield and the martyrdom of Catholic saints, how they coalesce and make sense. Have I embraced this narrative because of the patriarchal and capitalist hegemony that poisoned my mind with sexist images? Or did those images of primal, animalistic mating exist before homo-sabiens, and am I lucky to have this key to unlock my desire?
I still remember my first kinky act with another human. I was in college and there was a man I was flirting with (who, incidentally had the same first name as Maxearnest’s middle name). I was ridiculously attracted to him, but found out he was married. We stopped flirting, but after a year or two, he explained he was in an open relationship. I considered it. We flirted. And one day, he came over to me and used his pencil as if it were an eyeliner. And I let him. Including under my eyes, which involved me trusting him enough to keep my eye open while he traced along the line between my eyelashes and my eyeball. It was really my first act of submission in real life. (For what it is worth, I chickened out and all that ever happened between us was an incredibly hot kiss. I, correctly I believe, came to the conclusion that I wasn’t mature enough to handle an open relationship and I would be jealous. But it was a decision that part of me always regretted) But that act of trusting him enough to keep my eye open while he had me so vulnerable and took care of me stuck with me over the decades.
And here is Maxearnest. Asking I trust him enough to keep my eyes open, and assiduously taking care. He could demand more of me and I would acquiesce. But I wouldn’t be so joyous. He reads me enough to know how far he can push me and still have me be happy. Occasionally, he’ll push a wee bit farther, and it will take me a little longer to find my equilibrium. But I know he won’t push me farther than that. And so, I say, Yes. Thank you. Yes to whatever Maxearnest wants, and thank you to a universe that sent him to find me.
No comments:
Post a Comment