Dancing with Angst

So I have to say, I am really enjoying Maxearnest.  We are skyping hours every day, and he is funny (and incredibly quick and smart for English being his 2nd language) and all of my concerns, he sort of says 'but I would never do that--it is my responsibility to make sure that you are happy with the kink in the long run.'

I've waited years for a man to say that to me.

I'm excited, and not even that nervous about this unbelievably crazy thing I'm doing.  The 2 friends that actually know I'm going to Iceland to meet someone (rather then just because I got a cheap ticket over presidents day) both want his name, address, social security number (never mind that, as a non-U.S.-citizen, such a thing doesn't exist), copy of his passport and dna profile.  They are trying to take care of me, and I respect that.  But somehow, this feels good in my bones.  (And I am going to e-mail them the name of wherever we end up staying, although I can't help but notice that we've put off finding a place until we meet, which gives us the option of a hotel, rather than being locked into a youth hostel.  But a youth hostel probably makes a lot more sense for a variety of reasons.)

I am aware of how much angst is built into my system.  And that's OK. I just need to say "Hi Angst.  Welcome.  Let's dance."  But dancing only with angst is a little repetitive.  I think she needs a break.

There are places I'm putting the brakes on a bit.  We're both bringing HIV tests to Iceland, but I've also said I'm not really ready to have sex, and if, by chance, I feel ready after a few days, I think there should be condoms.  (Neither of us has had a partner in the last 6 months.  I know I'm taking his word and he's taking mine (although my blog sort of backs it up), but it just feels like being 'fluid bonded' is too fast for something like that--as fast as everything is going.)

But he likes my "young girl" and he likes my "power woman" (as he calls it)--even though he hasn't seen the power woman as much as the young girl.

Maxearnest said something really interesting:  some women have submissive tendencies, but my bifurcation means that instead of having submissive tendencies, my young girl is just purely submissive.  (And she doesn't really have angst about it.  She just is.)  So, in a weird, bizarre way, it is actually simpler than someone who is like 70% submissive, but it isn't divided into this public/private selves.  I thought that was interesting.  (It also may explain why the ex said I was the most submissive woman he'd ever met.)

The thing that is quite different here is that Maxearnest knows my angst and has totally embraced it.  He has never been annoyed with me for having angst.  He's been patient, and danced.  And now that my angst has been taken seriously and said "no-you aren't crazy and yes, I will take care of those things" she is sort of dancing into the sidelines.  It is odd that my public-power-woman is the side that needs reassurance.  My young girl feels safe and seen.  It is almost like Maxearnest appreciated the angst that kept me safe, and now he will keep me safe.

Maxearnest has seen less of my power woman than probably any man I've been involved with--my power woman doesn't really skype.  But because he has had concern for her concerns, my public side isn't demanding more attention.  I seem quite happy to just be the young side with him.  I'm sure when we meet, it will be different--in public, I will primarily be my public persona.  But right now, my public side is acquiescing more than I am used to having that side accede.

I know, there are probably  things I don't know about.  I know there is a chance that I will get to Iceland and Maxearnest and I won't click for whatever reason. Maxearnest said a 20% chance, and that sounds about right.  And I'll spend at least a day crying in a youth hostel, and then force myself to go hike along the volcano or take a horseback ride tour, or something.  And I'll be the bluest gal in Iceland, but I'll pick up the pieces and try this crazy treasure hunt again.  But, deep down, something feels right.  I don't have this fear that something I do will fuck it up in an irreversible way.  If this is meant to work, we'll find a way to make it work.

I do have to say, though, without angst, I have less to write about.  Angst is, I think, what has made my blog interesting.  Without angst, I may just have to report on what I had for lunch.