Content

There's this cool and exciting change with me with Maxearnest--I trust him and thus I am embracing all the kink in a way that I haven't seen before.  Stuff that always scared me, well, it all seams pretty cool now!  My reluctance is vanishing.

About 7 years or so ago, there was a discussion on the local bdsm listserve about whether a Dom had a right to cut off a sub's ear.  This was a heated discussion, and the general consensus was no, not a sub's ear.  But a slave's ear?  About a third of the guys said yes.  And I screamed (silently) "what the fuck is wrong with you people!"  Thus began my vigilant watch.  Shortly thereafter, I got involved with "the ex" who, for all his faults, never tried to permanently damage me (at least not physically).  Part of me stopped believing I could find a romantic kinky relationship, where the Dom would have a sense of chivalry and protection.  I always wanted "someone to watch over me."  But I began to think that was just the stuff of fairy tales, like Anne Rice's Beauty books.  I think I began to view the battle of the sexes as a battle over sex.

But still, Every night I dreamed a little dream.
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see.
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me.
I'm a little lamb that's lost in the wood.
I know I could, always be good,
to one who'll watch over me.
Oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me.

Well, Maxearnest watches over me.  Carefully and lovingly and lustfully.  He sees this as a responsibility, and it is a lot of work to look out for us both, and I can see how carefully he takes it.  I honestly think if something were a zero-sum game--if one of the two of us had to be made unhappy so the other could be happy, and there was no way around it, we would both pick to make the other one happy at our expense.  I'm pretty darn sure of it, actually.

Maxearnest adores me.  As much as I adore him!  He loves me being happy.  "A happy slave is a good slave" he says.  And he believes (and he is right) that I'm far more eager to serve him and try much harder because I am happy with him.  From the beginning, he made it very clear that yes, there are things he likes to do.  But he'd have to get to know me and my body to see what made sense for us.  Everyone else I've known would have expected me to do whatever he wanted.  I expected me to do whatever he wanted.  I knew there were kinks I couldn't live with, but I figured you dealt with that by open communication and not getting involved with someone into bestiality, or whatever.  It never occurred to me that a Dom would care so much about me that he would consider not doing some things he liked doing.  (Although, I think I'm up for whatever Maxearnest wants.)

Maxearnest gives me so much freedom.  I had to ask him something about summer plans that delays my coming to see him by about a week.  The young girl in me said "just ask for permission; you know he'll say yes."  And the Power woman said "No--we're not asking permission for this.  I think he'd say yes but it is manipulative and sets a bad precedent.  We have to be able to talk about stuff like this."

My power woman side didn't want her own way, per se, but she wanted it to be considered in a professional context, where both of us had equal say in the decision, and we could negotiate what might work for both of us.  As soon as I told Maxearnest what I wanted to do, he immediately said 'yes.'  Which didn't give power woman a chance to explain why she wanted to do it.  But the precedent that when something is important to my power woman side we can talk about it differently came through.  But Maxearnest has always respected my power woman side.

From the beginning, Maxearnest really embraced my bifurcation.  And he said to my 'power woman' "Thank you for protecting the young girl.  You've done a good job, but I know how hard that was for you.  I can take it over from here.  Go conquer the world!  I want to see what you will do!"  And that side of me trusted him and heard him and released the careful custody of my young girl.  But she still comes back to explain what the young girl side doesn't have the perspective or wisdom to explain (like why I suggested going to the local club.)

I always thought that I would fight my potential Dom, just like this woman.  That rings very true to who I was before I met him.  But, again, Maxearnest is different.  I haven't fought him at all.  If anything, I'm the one saying "you can push me harder if you want."  I actually really love the way he has been choreographing, but I want him to know that I'm strong.  I can meet him.  This is like the tango.  The female has to follow his lead, but she is up for whatever he throws her way. I can meet him and mirror him.

The young girl is kinkier than, frankly, my logical side really knew.  I mean, I certainly knew what I'd think about when I played with myself, but I never really thought it would have any bearing on reality.  But because Maxearnest respects my public side and so clearly wants my young girl to be just happy and joyous, I'm getting to the point where I want to do everything.

Maxearnest had me doing something a tiny bit difficult on Skype yesterday.  Not insanely difficult, but a little hard.  Hard enough I was a bit subdued.  And when we were done, we "cuddled" on Skype.  He had me put my hand against my cheek, imagine he was petting me, while he said lovely sweet things to me.  And in about 5 minutes or so, I was SO happy!  Happy to have pleased him; happy to 'cuddle' the best we could.  And this sex-kitten side came out of my personality that I've never seen before.  This side of me was confident and eager and mischievous and playful.  Hungry and submissive (I'm always hungry and submissive in eroticism), but definitely a willing accomplice and not just an innocent victim.  This was a side of me that I haven't seen before and that I really like!

There's this amazing 9-part fantasy series, which I truly loved (by Robin Hobbs, read Ship of Magic first if you are interested--she's an amazing writer).  At the end of the 9th book, this character, who has gone through utter hell and figured out ways to live a good life says "I am content."  I thought it was the best ending I've ever read.  "I am content."  This isn't an ending; I hope and feel this is a beginning.  But I am content.