I am missing Maxearnest and loving Maxearnest. I won't see him for another 2 months, and I want to enjoy these 2 months. I'm too old to just waste a couple of months being unhappy because I don't have everything I want. But I miss him so much!
My head says: "You're being crazy Connie! Everything looks good. But slow the heck down!"
And my heart says "YES!" It doesn't have the frantic energy I sometimes have with crushes. There has not been one single red flag. This just feels so right.
I'm a little scared to blog about everything that was said because I know how quickly everything happened. But I also know that it feels like coming home. Like we've always known each other. Like my heart just fits with his. In fact, there are times, it feels so right, I can't quite believe it.
Maxearnest cares about me. I don't think I've ever had a man who cared about me the way he does. I remember in January when he e-mailed me about why I wasn't giving Nate more of a chance, and I said "well, I'm not his first or second or third priority. I'm OK with that (because his daughter, parent's failing health and job were his first three priorities), but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm his fourth." And that was what, I think, made Maxearnest woo me with maximum earnestness. Until then, he was saying "go for Nate" and then he was saying "you deserve more than that!" I don't think I've ever really felt like I deserved being someone's first priority.
When something is too hard for me, Maxearnest sees it in my face and pulls back, because he wants me to be happy! He lets me tell him when something is hard for me, and why, and takes that seriously. And he says that I just don't have to worry about topping from the bottom, because he really doesn't feel like I do. If I want to bring something up, he wants to know what it is.
What surprises me is how quickly I have been willing to share some of my darker desires. I started off saying "I don't like pain, but I'll endure a little." Then I was a little more honest--I crave the idea of pain. Now, I'm saying "yes--I need some pain." I feel safe telling him that because I see how protective he is of me. I can admit to wanting some pain, because I don't feel like he will then demand he can brand me. (I'm not saying I'd never agree to that, but one of my first hard limits, which he totally respected, was that I got an equal say in any permanent body modifications. And I think branding would be about the hardest thing I could imagine. And I doubt he'd even ask me to do that.)
He genuinely delights in me being happy! He says "A happy slave is a good slave." And yes, we have begun to use words like 'owner' and 'slave.' I've always resisted those labels in the past, because it felt like it was giving up too much. But now it makes me happy because I can see that being owned by him makes me happier than I think I'd ever be on my own. And honestly, my fantasies and desires have always tended in that direction, but I couldn't imagine a master giving me the freedom that Maxearnest gives my "power woman" side. I've always felt with other men like it was a battle, or a negotiation. Not just a wonderful collaboration, where the more we give the more we get because there is so much to share! He really just wants to own the young girl side. He nudges the power woman (which is great), but he respects and likes her. He even loves her! He wants me to be fulfilled in my professional life and have friends and enjoy my hobbies and have amazing, kinky sex. My guess is some of my readers would think it is all happening much too quickly, so I'm a little embarrassed to post that. Or maybe my 'power woman' side thinks things are happening too quickly. But it feels like both sides are feeling really secure and content. Like my whole being is just singing "yes."
Last night, we were doing something on Skype that was hard for me. When he said we'd do it in the future, I kind of freaked out a little. (I can endure more in a moment, when I don't think, and I'm just trying to endure; then, after I've endured, the thought of having to do it again will actually be worse for me than what I just did.) Whether or not it was rational on my part, he pushed me to a place that scared me. Intellectually, I don't believe there was any real risk, but if I got struck by lightening, or something, it would be risky. (Never mind that if I am struck by lightening in my home, then more is going that I have to worry about.) It felt scary. This morning, he could see I was still low-key. I didn't bring up that yesterday was hard for me, but I was less bubbly, and he noticed that I was a little quiet, and brought up last night, and said we wouldn't do that on Skype again. That I needed to be comforted after something like that, and he needed to cuddle me too, and he needed to be there, in case something was unforeseen. Part of me felt guilty, like if I was a better girl, I would have hid the difficulty from him. In the past I honestly felt like the fact that something was difficult for me was topping from the bottom! (That is how crazy so many of the men I've been involved with have been!) But I know he wants me to be honest and happy. And I can do that!
I don't really know how I was so lucky that Maxearnest found me! It seems almost miraculous. Like we just fit. I think he feels as lucky as I do! I know this is all so new. I know there may be projections and we are probably both seeing the other as we hope to see the other and not noticing some of the differences. But that is just my intellect trying to reassure my dear readers that I haven't lost my mind. (Would you like me to deconstruct my heteronormative fantasies? "The eroticization of S&M functions as the conceptual frame for the historicization of the (re)gendered (fe/male) body." There--I still have it!) I also know this is kink like I always dreamed it would be. And more. He makes me confident to share my desires and feel like I can trust him in anything. With him, I am capable of enjoying so much more than I ever thought I could just endure. He opens me up and makes me bubbly. I'm laughing with joy. I am so happy to be his friend. And his lover. And his obedient young slave girl.
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