We actually left the hotel today and started to see a bit of Reykjavík. It may be the most beautiful city in the world. Or not. But this has been the best weekend of my life. And I also feel like we've been developing a solid foundation.
I really love the fact that these previously compartmentalized parts of my life seem to be coming together. In fact, my 'power woman' side made a joke during one of our long, extended sessions of erotic play, and at first Maxearnest didn't like that. I said something like "I'll obey you now, but let's talk about that later" and he said we could talk about it now. I didn't realize it, but he is very protective of my power-woman side and didn't want to ask her to submit. I made it clear that if my power-woman side appears when we're fooling around, then she's there to submit--it isn't like if I make a witty joke or a double entendre, I'm no longer submissive. I haven't seen that side of me show up when I'm in an erotic space, but I don't want to have to guard against that; in fact, it is really nice to me to have more integration there. I was, however, touched that Maxearnest was protective of the side that doesn't surrender; he didn't want to claim her submission. I was glad that he would welcome that side of me too and I think he was glad that if that side shows up, I'm still his submissive.
Submissive. Maxearnest says I'm more of a slave than a submissive. I would be fine with that with him. He really does care about me. I'm not just some random who is disposable. I think he wants to dance with me, and he'd rather dance in ways that work for me, than imposing some standard he saw on tv that doesn't work for me. He knows that I don't want to be submissive at work. He respects that side of me too. He knows that I submit to him because I love and trust him. If that disappeared, I wouldn't continue submitting to him. Maxearnest said that I really don't have to worry about topping from the bottom because he doesn't feel like I do it. Even when I ask a request (which I do more with him than I've ever done with anyone, primarily because he seems to want to know what I think I might like), I ask appropriately (I usually ask permission, and then I tell him what I'd like and say that of course, I'll do whatever he wants). I'm pretty sure 99% of all Dom men would say I'm not a 'real' slave. (It is funny though, I was chatting with a guy this fall who said I was too slave-like for him because my focus was on wanting to please, rather than him taking control.) The semantics doesn't interest me as long as I'm not making promises I can't keep. If Maxearnest wants to own me, then he owns me. If he wants me to be his slave, then I'm his slave. If he wants to call me his halibut, then I'm his halibut. It isn't like he'd expect me to breathe underwater, and if the signifier doesn't signify a promise, than he can label me whatever. I don't actually identify as halibut; but I'd be his halibut and I'd learn to love being halibut because I know he'd make it work for us both.
Last night we went to a bar and I had the most wonderful time. My face was gleaming, and he'd look at my face and see how happy I was and he would gleam too! My happiness makes him happy! We got back to the hotel, and he was tired. He told me to make him a cup of tea while he got ready for bed, and when he came out of the bathroom, I was kneeling with my face on the floor (like child's pose in yoga) and his tea between my hands. He started kissing me all over--I think he was touched, and I was certainly touched by his gentle kindness. But when we got in bed, I could feel how tired he was, so I asked him if I could take care of him until he fell asleep. He gave me permission and then I sort of took charge. I had him lie on his stomach so I could kiss his back. I asked him to move his hands here, his legs there. I told him I wanted him to relax, and if he fell asleep, I'd know I'd done a good job and put myself to bed. And then I kissed him to sleep. It took a huge amount of work to make sure that when I covered him, a foot wasn't left in the cold and to make sure there was room for me on the bed and the fan was turned off with the lights and all these little things. And I felt this great surge of love for him, both because he was secure enough in his dominance that he could allow me to take control for a little bit. And also because I realized how much care he is taking with me all the time. I almost feel like I could do the falling a little bit better after that because it made me realize how many variables have to be looked after all the time, and what a good job he is doing controlling them all.
It is so beautiful to feel like these parts of me that have felt completely compartmentalized are integrating a bit and that this one man could love all the parts of me. I feel like I've gone from being Chekhov's Olga to Austen's Elinor. I've worked so hard to make sensible choices and felt somewhat sad at how several things turned out. But now it has all worked out together. I am happy.
This morning I promised to love, honor and obey him and he promised to love, honor and cherish me. There are no time-commitments to our promises. It isn't like we claim we're now married. But I know we care about the other one deeply and I think we'll try and work through difficulties that arise. I know we have many hurdles still to come (principally, it seems to me, tied to geography and just how very different our lives are). But I will love, honor and obey him, because I know he will cherish and protect.
After I leave tomorrow, we won't see each other for 2 months. That seems forever! But he'll come out to Seattle for 5 or 6 weeks in April or May and then I get to visit him in Europe this summer. My horizons are expanding in so many ways. I'm going to miss him, but I have this deep down sense of well-being that this is real. We are building a foundation. He will come visit. I'm sure of it. I don't think he will disappear. I'm pretty sure this is real. We will talk about difficulties. We will nurture the other. We love each other.
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