The root of all evil

Maxearnest told me to buy several corsets.  The ones that I had were more like play corsets and aren't rigid enough to really constrict.  And on one level, I'm totally fine with it.  We talked about the ones he liked.  Then I went through and found ones I liked more.  I thought I sent it to him, but it ended up in my drafts folder, so then I thought he had just ignored what I sent.

We talked about it, and realized there was a mistake.  It was fine; he looked at the ones I liked and explained why they wouldn't work and I bought the ones he liked, plus one that I liked (with his approval).  But it was really, really hard for me!

His corsets were chosen very carefully, looking at what would flatter my figure and be quite, quite binding.  (He is looking at bringing my waist in 6 or 7 inches with these, which is, in theory, a little overwhelming.)  They are elegant, but they feel austere to me.  I ended up adding the ballet tutu I wanted when I was 8.  Why?  When on earth will I wear a ballet tutu?  It is ridiculous.  But I really, really wanted it.  (And it wasn't that much money--it is a much cheaper corset that won't go very tight, and probably won't look great because it is designed for a C cup or less and I have a D cup, whereas his choices should be more flattering.)  But his choices don't feel 'pretty' to me.  They are elegant, but not cute.  When my little girl side wants something, I do try and look at it.  (I have an envelope with $5 bills in it for my little-girl side to go shopping whenever she wants.   There is $100 and that seems like a promise that is important to that side of me, but somehow, I never actually go shopping.)  I would have liked things that were more romantic than sexy.  Bows and sequins and teddy bears.  (Maybe not all in one corset.)

But this entire thing was very hard for me!  It wasn't because these corsets are more austere--my flimsy corset that I already had was austere.  But I bought it on ebay for $30 maybe 8 years ago.  

Giving up control of money scared the heck out of me.  Even just a little bit.  It really does scare me.  My father always resented my mother for not making her own money and dammit, I make my own money and no man is going to resent me.  There are times I think my mom wanted out and couldn't because she didn't really have income.  The thought of actually being dependent is terrifying to me.  I loved how Maxearnest took care of me in Iceland.  He was gracious and protecting and took care of me.  But he shouldn't have to do that all the time.

Part of it is that I spent way too much money this year on remodeling a bathroom and installing a deck.  For the first time in a decade, I have no money in savings and I owe my parents seven grand.  (I have no credit card debt--I maxed out a credit card in college and it terrified me and I've always paid them off in full each month ever since, and I've paid off my college loans, so there is just my mortgage left.)   I am used to always having a little more in my bank than I think I do, and for the last 6 months, I always have a little less than I think.  And that really does scare me.  And my reaction to spend less money is a good one!  Absolutely!!  More Americans should say "I don't have enough money--why don't I stop buying stuff I don't need?!"

But that isn't the issue.  This wasn't that much money, and I can afford it.  There was something about giving up control of money that really did freak me out.  Maxearnest told me to buy something and I got out my credit card and bought it, without much say over it.  My power woman side has always been in control of money, and being good with money is a point of pride.  I live in a part of town where people with my salary can't normally live.  Because I'm good with money (and I love my neighborhood and house).  I can go see Maxearnest for a few months this summer because I can work from home during that time, because I am good with money and can go part time.  I have several friends that pressure me to spend money, and I'm always saying "I can't afford that."  I'm used to saying it. I don't spend a lot of money on clothes.  I'm quite generous on one level, but if a frugal sort of way. I avoid splurges.

But here's the thing.  Maxearnest is creating an absolutely dynamite sex life for both of us.  Just because he is the creative one figuring all this out and planning all of it doesn't mean he should have to pay for everything.  I'm a feminist; shouldn't feminists pay for some of the sex toys?  I want to be an equal partner in this wonderful life we're creating.  If he wants to tell me to buy something, I want to skip along and say "Yes Sir!"  But I don't!  I'll try to say "I'll do as you wish."  But damn, it is hard!  I'm afraid that I may have to talk more about this sort of thing in the future.  This is hard for me.  But why does money make things so hard?