Angst, Eros, Commercialism and Feminism

Something kind of interesting has started to shift, which is that I think my angst about kink is dissipating.  I still have this theoretical concern that kink is a commercialization of eros.  I think there is truth to that.  But then I have to say, do I care?  If it makes a hotter, sexier sex life, then that is good, as long as it doesn't undercut the power in other ways.  But that is a theoretical concern; it doesn't affect my actual sex life, when I'm having sex.

I still will be reluctant in some ways, but I know that it because I love to have reluctance overcome.

My biggest concern about Nate, as far as kink goes, is that I'm not sure he is dominant enough.  Maybe that is the sign of a wonderful man, making me want more instead of making me scared. Before my ex, I had theoretical angst, but not a visceral angst.  But my ex hit me too hard, too often, without ever have sexiness as part of it, which really took a toll.  But I feel like that has left my body.  Not completely.  This week Nate took off his belt, and he didn't hit me at all hard--it was fun.  But I totally tensed the whole time he had his belt out.  He did all sorts of things to make it seem like it was harder than it was--he just made a lot of noise, which was quite dramatic.

But truth be told, I think I tensed because I wanted to be pushed a little bit more, but not a lot more.  I know he could have made that not-at-all fun, and I don't know him well enough on a cellular level to not have that awareness in my head.  (I didn't have that trepidation with Bobby, but with Bobby, it was a sense that our souls had know each other before then.  Things just clicked in a way that is very rare for me.)

I won't tell a man that I want reluctance overcome until I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY trust him.  Like after he knows my social security number, I think.  Because that is a really pivotal and scary bit of information, and in a way, it puts the man in a horrible position.  I mean, yes, of course, we'd have a safeword, but at the same time, I've always been horrible about using a safeword.  When I'm in that place, I want to please.  When the ex was pushing me too hard, I'd just start doing Sudoku to try to ignore what was happening, which, in the short term, made me able to endure more.  But in the long run, it was damaging to my soul.

So I want someone to push me, farther than I want to admit that I go, but not so far that I d Sudoku (or anything else where I'm in my head, trying to ignore what is happening in my body).  I don't think there's any concern about that with Nate, however!