Daddy's Girl ad infinitum

So after 3 therapy sessions, we've gotten to the point where my dad has said, hypothetically, that he is willing to accept that his behaviour affects other people (me) and he is willing to, hypothetically, accept that maybe he may want sometimes to try to consider the impact of his behaviour on others.

He also said, interestingly, that he and my mom made an early decision that keeping their relationship strong was the centerpiece of their marriage and that the kids would live in the radiance of their (rather tumultuous) relationship.  We would never be the center, and boy did I feel that.

I think he has also decided he will try to criticize me less. He has said he doesn't want to criticize me, but he is sure he will mess up.  He said when I was young he would be very critical of me for getting a sun burn, and not just empathetic for it hurting.  (What went unstated here is why the fuck was I getting sun burns?  Why didn't I have a parent putting sunscreen on me?) Although I have to say his criticism that my eye contact for, maybe 45 seconds, made him uncomfortable, and he wasn't willing to say that I hadn't done anything wrong, has made me self-conscious beyond anything he has said for decades.  I've been avoiding making any eye contact with him at all, which is maybe the most fucked-up thing he has ever made me feel.

So the question I have is, what would it take for me to not be my daddy's girl?  I'm not saying what would it take for me to not be my father's daughter; of course I am.  I have his coloring, his skin, his hair, his sense of humor and some of his intellectual view of the world.  But what would it take for him to say "you make too much eye contact--it makes me really uncomfortable" and me to not be hurt by that?  Clearly, I am too entangled with my father for a 40-something woman.  Why do I allow him to hurt me?  What would it take for me to not care so much?

Maybe that is unrealistic.  There is a lot of love in our relationship (as evidenced by the 3 therapy sessions in 2 days), but there is so much pain.  I don't want to let go of the love.  I don't want to say "fine; whatever; I'll see you at your funeral."  I can't help but be aware of his mortality.  At the same time, when I was deeply upset by things, he would just justify what he had done.  The fact remains that he cancelled a trip he had promised for 2 years, as a thank you for me taking care of him, because he'd rather go to country A along than country B with me.  He finally got to the point where he is apologizing for that (at the time he presented it in a very cavalier way).  But he'd still rather go to country A by himself than country B with me.

Intellectually, I know that I am engaged with him and that I need to take responsibility for continuing to be so deeply attached to someone who I cannot trust to do what he says he will, or try to not hurt me.  (That isn't quite true--when he can see or hear tears, he is very, very aware of them, but he won't be careful unless he sees or hears tears.)

I don't know how to disentangle without cutting him out of my life, and while right now, a part of me really does want to cut him out of my life, I believe I would deeply regret doing that.  The fact is, my dad is probably going to die before me, and I don't want to have huge regrets.  But, I don't know how to protect myself.  And he has never protected me.

This year, one of my siblings got pregnant for the first time, and my dad said that if I have kids, he won't be as close to them as he will to my other siblings' kids.  (My dad is moving to the city my other siblings settled down in.)  I was deeply wounded by this.  And shocked.  But in the last couple of months, I've started to feel like if I have kids (and it won't be for a couple of years--fertility treatments, here I come!), I wouldn't want my dad to have any relationship with them.  Unless he is able to see that his behaviour has impact on other people, and that he can't just be 'genuine' and trust to his good intentions, regardless, then I don't want him around my potential kids.  If he looks at a drawing they've made and criticizes it because his genuine truth is that it is no Van Gogh, then he really isn't a safe person to have around my future children.  But there would be a huge, huge loss there.  Massive.  I hate the thought of even having thoughts like that.  But if I'm going to be a single mom (and maybe I won't--Nate knows I want kids, and he laughs at my timeline, but he doesn't seem to have a problem other than my thinking I can plan it.  And if Nate doesn't work, maybe I'll meet someone else.  Although the fact that I could feel so sexy thinking about him last night makes me feel like we're much more of an option than I did yesterday), then I don't want a man in their life that is only occasionally there.  A man who is joyous and engaged when he feels like it, but then just disappears or says something cruel.  Fortunately, unlike my sister, I have a couple of years before I have to confront this issue.