Objects

Nate wanted to take me shopping last night.  I was under the impression we were shopping for his daughter, so I agreed to go, but actually he wanted to buy me things.  He seems to want to buy me things more than just about anything else (other than sex, which we still haven't had).  We went to a holiday crafts fair and there were actually some beautiful necklaces, but they didn't have prices and I bet they were quite expensive. Nate kept pushing me against things and feeling me up, letting my coat cover his hands, but I was terrified someone could notice.  I finally realized that I did want a lemon zester, so we went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, but they were out!  So we went back to my place and fooled around.

This morning, I realized I had a prominent hickey on my neck.  I felt like Nate was marking me.  If he couldn't buy me something, then he'd make me another way.  Fortunately I own one turtle neck, and I'm at 2 different organizations today and tomorrow, so hopefully no one will notice I'm wearing the same clothes.

I like Nate.  I do.  I don't think I'll ever be crazy "in-love" with him.  But, as Bobby said, there's love and there's crazy in-love.  And maybe I'll just never be crazy in-love again.  It makes me a little sad to think that.  But maybe it is for the best.

Last night, I was completely naked with Nate for the first time.  Before this, he's let me keep a dress on here, stockings and a garter belt and a bra on there, that sort of thing. And, of course, that made me totally insecure. (I also felt really fat yesterday--too many holiday parties.)  And Nate started telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my curves.

I think Nate sees a possible future for us.  He's buying a country house, and has said there are 4 rooms, but I'll stay with him.  He loves my house in the city.  Loves it.  I think he thinks our lives would fit together.

Sometimes I wonder if the people I feel that chemistry, that "I could be crazy in love" feeling are people who are fucked up the same way that I'm fucked up.  They don't belong and we find that sense of sharing that, it is incredibly powerful.

At the same time, however, maybe I feel like I don't belong not because other people exclude me (although they certainly did when I was younger) but because I now exclude myself.  And the people I click with like that may exclude themselves, and maybe we aren't as capable of intimacy.  I certainly believe I'm capable of intimacy, but one could really look at the patterns and wonder if I'm picking men that want a fast, consuming, intellectual and soul vibration that burns out quickly, but not a long-term intimacy.