"Let's be friends...."

So I was talking with a guy who doesn't live nearby (and doesn't live commuting distance like Bobby) and I told him I couldn't move because of my work.  He started talking nonsense and I said something like "why would you assume that I would quit my job--why couldn't you move here" and he said "you're right--if we hit it off,...." so I talked to him on the phone and within 10 minutes he wants me to say if we hit it off, I'd quit my job and move to Florida!  To top it all off, he's unemployed!  He wants me to quit my job, and my health insurance and my pension, after I told him why it was unlikely I'd get another, similar paying job, because he'd take care of me, when he can't take care of himself!  He is studying to get a real estate licence in Florida, because he's sure the market will pick up.  Seriously!  I got really annoyed, really quickly and basically told him if he couldn't respect what I'm interested in enough to not talk casually about me giving it up, we weren't right.  And he was like "Let's be friends" and I said no, told him not to waste my time, and got off the phone.

Why does every man I meet on CM want to be friends?

And why am I so resistant to it?  With Dotty leaving (and it is official that Dotty is leaving), I could use a really good friend.  But not someone I want to date.

For one thing, being friends, for me, is a lifelong commitment.  There is only one friend I've ever broken up with, and that was because, for years, we were 'best friends' and used each other to fill the space that could have been a romantic relationship.  He would talk to me, for hours, about how no woman found him attractive, when he knew I did. The funny thing is, when we first met, after about 6 months, I wished that I could fall for him, because I was never attracted to men like that, and I wanted to be.  He is the only man I've ever grown to be romantically interested in.  I've don't know that I'll ever be able to pull of the trick of falling for a man that I'm not initially attracted to.  (I should mention, we were totally incompatible; he spoke disparagingly of kink on several occasions, but I was willing to give that up and have an erotic life in my head.  That may have been impossible, but I figured I could.)

But if I agree to be someone's friend, that is a major commitment on my part.  That is a "I will always be there for you no matter what and if things are hard, I will work through our relationship."

With Bobby, I can't be his friend because I would always want him to change.  I wouldn't be happy being his platonic friend.  I would hope he would fall for me, the way he had for his ex.  (He told me about his ex when we met and I took it to mean "I did the long-distance thing once, and I could do it again."  He didn't mean it that way, but I didn't realize it until later.  It actually felt like he was addressing my concerns (he had said he would have had a family with her, which was also important to me).  Every time he talked about his ex, I thought like he was telling me that he was ready for a relationship.)  And his rejection of me, no matter the grounds, would eat away at my self-esteem.  I would give him little parts of me and then there wouldn't be anything left for a romantic relationship.

Furthermore, there were a couple of brief windows when friendship might have been a possibility, but the first time he totally seduced me and the second time he kept flirting.  And, of course, I wanted him to flirt.

At the moment, I'm scared I'll never have a romantic relationship again.  And if I'm going to die a lonely old maid, I should at least have Bobby as a friend.  But, I just can't accept I'll never find what I want.  There is still a chance.  Hell, Nate is too busy at the moment (for very good reason), but he hasn't blown me off.  I can't give up on the possibility of a partner.  And being Bobby's friend would be giving up on that.

It's funny.  I know Bobby reads this.  And I could never say any of this to his face.  My grandma once told me "a lady always laughs at a gentleman's jokes" and in direct communication, I'm just naturally conciliatory and I try to be gracious.  But this is my space, and here, well, honesty is the only currency I have.  Bobby wouldn't read this if he wasn't curious.  He chooses to.  And somehow, I couldn't imagine not being open here.  I would like to imagine not being so conciliatory with people to their faces.  I could be very brusque with the Florida guy because I felt like he had been very dismissive of me, and because I'd never allowed him past my initial defenses.  I think maybe if I were a little better at standing up for myself, I wouldn't have to be so careful with who I allow into my life.