The ugly duckling

Originally, I had intended to title this blog The Ugly Duckling (and I have the URL for that here--but I haven't posted on it).

Bobby said something like "you could have been married 10 years ago" and I was floored that he thought that.

I go back and forth, wondering if my life is something that belongs in a Chekhov play or a Jane Austen novel.  If it is Jane Austen, then I can handle anything.  But if I'm just waiting to die alone in an empty house, like a broken string, well, I guess I'll be dead.  But the fear of that makes me cry.

Men didn't really have any interest in me at all until about 6 years ago.  In 2001, men were interested in me for about 3 months, and then I didn't handle 9-11 well, and that came crashing down, and then finally in 2005, I quit a prestigious job I thought I wanted and moved back to the Puget Sound and wham--men became interested in me.  I've dated pretty steadily since then.  Part of it was losing quite a bit of weight, and part of it was quitting a job where I was always trying to prove myself.  I do sometimes feel like I wasted my youth on an education.  I do date steadily but I started very, very late.

I'm not proud of this, but I police my face for any sign of wrinkles. I know they are coming.  I moisturize and use sun screen like it was a religion.  I don't quite understand why men became interested in me so instantly in August of 2005, and I feel like it could disappear 

Looking at it, I don't understand what is wrong with me.  Why is it so hard for me to find what so many others find so effortlessly.  Maybe it isn't effortless, but they find it.  And there's always something that keeps me from having a partner.  I've tried and tried to figure out what is wrong with me.  But right now, I sort of think there isn't anything wrong with me.  I'm too picky, but I've also had bad luck.  I haven't met the right person.  Maybe I'll find it.  My best friend is so amazing and she's single too.  In fact, all of my female friends who have doctorates of any kind or published books are single (and that defines all my female friends but one).  I can't believe they'll all end up alone.   And, for the most part, they dated more than me before 2005, but I date more than them now.  Who knows.

I just ache for a soul mate.  My whole body cleaves to the absence.  If I ever did fall in love with someone who was in love with me, I would fight for that so hard.  I mean, I think John was in love with me, but the whole ask-if-this-is-for-keeps-and-borrow-my-ring-and-forget-about-it was a mind fuck.  And getting my ring back at his funeral, and his family clearly thought we were engaged.  Another mind fuck.  

Bobby and I talked a little today.  I don't know why I allowed him to get so close to me.  He said he thought  I understood that geography was an "intransigent mistress" which sounds like something I probably said.  But then he seduced me.  And I kept trying to give him outs.   I said something like "if we get involved, you'd need to train me gently" and said "I already am."  And we had these great phone conversations every night.  And, of course, he told me to think of him every time I played with myself, which I worked hard to do--my mind tends to flit around from image to image, mostly from the Beauty books and Safe Word.  (Anne Rice's Beauty Books and Molly Weatherfield's Safe Word are my favorite naughty books.)

And all of a sudden, my soul oriented towards how we could make it work.  I assumed that I'd be doing most of the travelling.  I work from home on Sundays, so I could come up Friday afternoon and leave Tuesday morning.  I didn't mind if I was the one on Greyhound, as long as he gave me projects (linked to my work and my goals, but things I'd procrastinate on) for the bus rides.

I can only imagine how hard I would have fought for an 'us' if there had been an 'us' to fight for.  

I'm a Scorpio, Scorpio rising.  5 planets in fire and none in earth.   (And yes, I believe in that stuff.) I am so loyal to the people I love.  No matter what they do, I love them so much.  I've never cheated on anyone, and I can't imagine cheating on someone I could fall in love with.

Bobby wants me to be friends, and I keep trying to stop comparing Nate to Bobby.  And keep trying to figure out how the fuck I could compare Nate to Bobby and not have that make Nate look fabulous.  But I can't seem to fall for Nate.  I wish I could make myself, but I can't.  Bobby is one of the only 2 men I've met that I could seem myself falling in love with.  And that is so fucking stupid.  So fucking stupid.  Of course, Nate and I haven't had sex yet.  Maybe that will make me fall in love.  But right now, being with Nate is fine. My body enjoys it.  But my soul is unengaged.