Daddy's Girl: Part 12,731

So at dinner last night, dad asked me something about work and I was explaining something.  Then he started criticizing me for not dividing my eye contact equally between my dad and my mom.  I was upset, and he noticed and said something about me being upset, and I said "I don't want you to criticize me unless I'm directly hurting your feelings" and he said "I can't do that."

Ouch.

With the therapist today he actually said he doesn't want to criticize me, so that seems a step forward.  But, what was interesting, was he said that my making direct eye contact with him made him feel really uncomfortable.  He said it was like a 'trance' for him.  Overall, I find this bizarre, because I wasn't really interested in the conversation.  I was talking about work.  It was the first time since our big fight that I had had a conversation with him (aside from some facebook "here's my plane reservation" stuff).  However, when I was younger, we would have a lot of intellectual discussions that I really loved.  He has made it quite clear he doesn't want to do those with me anymore, and I really didn't think this was an intellectual discussion.

But it does highlight that for me, that intellectual connection with someone is so important.  I actually loved those conversations I used to have with my dad.  And that would be so lovely if I found a romantic partner that I could share them with.

I do think that my issues with my dad may be linked to my difficulties with men.  I don't trust my dad to be kind to me, and just love me for who I am.  I do prove myself.  I do think I'm constantly not good enough.  But I did love those intellectual conversations.