Retail Therapy

Generally speaking, I'm not materialistic.  Or I am, but not in the way that I think most Americans are.  I love some things I have, very much.  But I don't necessarily want new things.  In fact, for the most part, I'd much prefer what I already have to something new.

Today, after the 2nd round of therapy, when I was feeling clobbered and criticized and bewildered (I've been criticized for an awful lot, but an inappropriate amount of eye contact, when it was probably under 1 minute and I'd avoiding my dad for a couple of months, just bewildered me.  I actually asked him at some point if he wanted me to avoid making eye contact with him in the future, and he said no, just not copious amounts when other people are present.  But I'm just avoiding him mostly.)

So I went to the mall where I often went during childhood.  First of all, it is so tiny!  Really cute!  But it didn't seem that way when I was a kid.  Much of it is the same.  Sure, the sign on the "Orange Julius" looks more 90s than 60s now (it is always at least a decade behind), and Radio Shack has much cooler gimmicks.  Woolworths has been replaced by a movie theatre.  But it is mostly the same.

However, there was a store--a little regional chain that had nice clothes, with an amazing sale.  Kind of sexy, but not slutty sexy.  Elegant-sexy. The sort of store I longed to shop at when I was a kid, but I was too big (and we only really shopped at Goodwill anyway).  The sale was amazing--dresses for $16.  Winter coats for $36.  So I thought "what the hell" and I tried some things on.  And they fit!  (Well, one dress is just a tiny bit too tight at my chest, but I bought it anyway. Maybe it will fit next year.  And it is SO cute! I don't actually feel like I have a lot of weight to lose there.  It is funny--my tummy is where I'd love to lose a little weight--I like my big breasts. But the chest is where things often don't fit.)  So I bought a ton of stuff--a cute winter coat to replace the too-big, thrift-shop Gore-tex shell I've been wearing.  Some cute sweater-jackets that I can wear with sleeveless tops.  And 2 cute dresses, one of which fits now (but is really a summer dress) and the little (a bit too little, actually) red-lace dress I'd love to wear on Christmas, but will have to wait till next year.

And buying all these cute, sexy, inexpensive clothes, and a store that isn't a plus-size store, in my childhood mall, it made me feel so much better about myself.  The shit with my dad is really playing a number on me and my self-esteem.  There was something about the combination of being insanely reasonable and fitting that just made me feel really happy.  It kind of scared me--I don't want to be the kind of person that uses shopping to assuage shitty feelings.  But in this instance, it really did.

The stuff with my dad makes me realize why my teenage years were so hard, because I'm awfully close to behaving the same way.  I'm sort of horrified that I agreed to come back for almost 2 entire weeks.  Hopefully, we'll work through this.  But all-in-all, it is a little horrifying and I could totally see myself feeling like a teenager again.  But at least if I do, I'll be a teenager who can have some perspective, and even if that perspective is only going to the mall and being able to buy what everyone else buys, well, it is really nice to have a place I fit in.