The Vulnerability of the Porcupine

I think, perchance, I'm rather like a porcupine.  My intellect, moral certitude and insistence about right and wrong are prickly.  My minister once wrote a short story about me as this anonymous, morally righteous young lady who made other people uncomfortable by looking at the implications of our behaviour on the whole picture.  We couldn't just buy coffee--it had to be fair trade coffee because how could we be dedicated to helping our poor and then ignoring how our behaviour hit people in other countries.  I've mellowed somewhat in my forties, but I still want to make sure I do as much good and as little damage as possible.

My intellect keeps nost people at bay.  I don't mean to, but if someone isn't smart enough to keep up with me, then I just stop paying attention to what they have to say.  I go through the motions and try to pretend that I'm listening.  But I'm not going to bother explaining any of the lies from Fox News.  I went speed dating a couple of months ago and a man told me that Warren Buffet was a communist and I think I rolled my eyes; I'm sure I made it quite clear that the speed dating wasn't speedy enough.

And, truth be told, I want someone I'm involved with to appreciate my impressive quills. My father hates them.  He says "a person who is proud of his intellect is like a prisoner who is proud of his bars."  I don't think he means to put me down for being smart, but he wants me to view it as no more a part of me than a freckle on my thigh. But it is a huge part of me.  A prisoner might not be proud of his bars; few people would thinks someone saying "I'm in jail" is an arrogant statement.  But say "I'm quite smart" and it sounds conceited.  But I want someone who will enjoy the intellect, appreciate the 'right and wrong' and revel in the 'reality based' community.  I want someone who will join me in my little fiction that we can make the world a better place, at least a little bit in little ways for a few people.  

But I also want someone who sees beneath the quills.  Porcupines are really rather vulnerable little creatures when all their quills are taken away.

I want someone who will demand acquiescence and cherish my aching desire to be vulnerable.

On one level, I'm not really that smart.  Years of intellectual isolation have made me lazy and complacent.  (And the Bush administration took away much of my sense of nuance an competing good.)  But on another level, I am smarter than most people and that means, ideally, I would like to be with someone who is, say, within 20 IQ points of me, or so. I should say, I don't think I'm better than other people, just because I'm smarter than other people.  I'd gladly give away 30 IQ points if I could.  It is lonely.  I say that I want to lose 30 pounds to meet the right man, but truth be told, 30 IQ points would make it far easier to date than 30 pounds.  I've had other lawyers tell me I'm really intimidating.  But those quills are part of me.  I want someone who will love them.  And the vulnerable little shrew underneath.