Teen Holliday

It's a difficult holiday, and has me singing the blues, or at least feeling them. Most people in my life would look at me askance if I actually sang.

I feel like I'm back in my teenage years.  It is interesting, because until this trip, I felt like I was much of the problem of my problematic teenage years.  Typically, when I take the time off to see a family member, they try to spend time with me.  My mother is so distracted right now that even though I took off time to be with her, she doesn't even have time for me to help her beyond running to the store for her, doing a small construction project, being on the phone to get her internet working, that sort of not-fun-thing.  And she's moving--I get that.  It is tough for her.  But it is also tough for me.  This wasn't what we'd planned on.

If I weren't having a hard time, with my dad and in general, I wouldn't be having a hard time with my mom.  I'm needy and my mom is kind of ignoring me this trip.  Not ignoring me, but it isn't a holiday.

Everyone thinks I'm so cavalier and strong, but I get hurt so badly and so easily.  I just hide it.  I was 'fun to tease' and my dad blamed me, so now, almost everyone just sees this mask. I guess we all do that--but then I meet people like Nate, who really don't seem to do that.

Maybe it is good that the tears are at the surface right now.  But sometimes I'm scared that the only thing that happens when I allow my emotions to the surface is that I get more easily hurt.

My family doesn't really consider me an adult because I'm just a single woman, and truth be told, I don't really either. I keep waiting for my life to begin when I meet someone to share it with.  So much of my energy is spent on being ready and open for a relationship.  And yet, maybe I'm just too severely damaged.  No, that's not true--I could easily be married right now to the ex, if I'd said yes, and maybe a few other guys along the way if I'd been willing.  I have a friend who only ever dated a guy for a couple of months, and he clearly viewed her as a fuck-buddy.  I'm not that damaged.  I'm just too picky for the men that are interested in me, and seem to be interested in the men who are not.