Thin Ice

Well, Bobby and I have agreed to exchange writing.  Once a month.  I think this actually could be great.  I can't be his friend, and I have to be careful, but if we could both support the other in or writing, that would be great. I might actually get my romance novel published if a guy is willing to read it!  And Bobby write beautifully.  (I suppose it is no surprise that I tend to be attracted to men who write beautifully.)  He hasn't followed through on his projects (I think he is as bad, or worse, than I am.  At least when I distract and numb myself out, it is at my computer so I get a tiny bit done.  He distracts and numbs in far more interesting ways, but perchance less productive.)

I was talking with Dotty last night about her decision to move.  I could have kept her from going; but it would have meant betraying our friendship by lying to her.  She's scared.  She doesn't want to move. Not as scared as I am to face life without her.  And being Dotty, she could tell I'm down and was trying to be helpful--what did I need: A vacation?  Yes, but I gave up my chance for a vacation before Easter to help her move.  I couldn't tell her that.

I told her that my talent was smaller than my ambition.  And she said "that isn't true--what do you want to do?" And I told her "be president of the United States or star in a Broadway show, of fall madly in love and get married and have kids" and she said "is that really the best match for your talents."  It's funny--I had to tell a kid at a place I volunteer that he couldn't be president when he grew up, because he wasn't born in this country.  And here is my best friend telling me I can't be president, which I already knew.  But if I could start getting some of my stuff published, it might fill the chasm.  In addition to the romance novel, I have several boring industry pieces I want to write.  And maybe an autobiography (although not about the stuff here--I've actually fantasized about a publisher approaching me to put this into book form, but I doubt that will happen).  And sometimes I think that John and my correspondence would make a really compelling book.  I don't know if that is hubris on my part.  But I think it is pretty interesting stuff.  That would, of course, have to be anonymous.

So, exchanging writing with Bobby would be really good.  That said, I have to be careful.  I can't allow myself to fall for Bobby more than the residual falling that is already there.  I think Bobby likes to be liked.  (Who doesn't?)  He can't try to pull me in.  We have to keep a healthy, professional distance.