Daddy's Girl: Part 11,278

Of course, I'm going 'home' for the holidays.  While I haven't spoken to my dad for at least a month, although it feels much longer--we typically talk 2-3 times a week.  So, of course, we have a couple of therapy sessions scheduled for over the holiday weekend.  Not Christmas day, but Christmas eve (in the morning--for some reason, the therapist wanted to spend that evening with his family!) and boxing day.  Wheeeee.

And I had this horrible realization today:  from my perception, my dad has been very hurtful and then very frustrated when I'm upset about him being hurtful.  He keeps talking about wanting to be 'genuine.'  Whenever I get upset, he says he wants to be genuine with me.  And I take this to mean that he doesn't really care if he hurts me because it is more important to be genuine than worry about my feelings.

But what if what my dad wants is what I want: to be accepted for who he is, just as he is.  And what if it is as important to him to be loved for (not despite of) his mean edges.

I remember when I was a teenager, I hated the idea that I had to change in order for people to like me.  And then, one day, I said something mean to someone and thought "I wouldn't like it if someone said something like that to me."  And then, for a decade, I monitored everything I said to everyone, before I said it.  It was exhausting, and I wasn't even aware of it.  When I went on Prozac in my twenties (I haven't been on it for a while, but I took it 2 different times), that chatter went away.  I went off Prozac about 6 months later, but that chatter never came back.  It was amazing.  However, I had spent enough time monitoring my behavior, that when I can tell feelings are involved, I'm pretty damn sensitive to others.  I still have a bit of that cantankerousness around facts and ideas, though. If someone gets something wrong, I'll try and correct it politely, but if they continue with it (and I'm not aware of their feelings being involved), I'll get as adamant as they are.

If I feel for my dad as a scared teenager, who sees everyone he cares about distancing themselves from him because he just wants to be himself, my heart breaks for him.  He had a stroke a couple of years ago, and this started.  He has an insistence and an indignation that has felt very much like a teenager.  I would love to give him the unconditional love that part of me never felt.  And yet....

I will always love him.  And I'll always be there for him if he needs me.  But I can't actually tolerate him hurting me like this. I love him no matter what, but I don't like him no matter what.  And if he is going to be hurtful of me, then I have to take really careful care of him.  I don't know how to be a mother to my father.  I don't want to tell him that part of him is unlovable to me.  That feeling of being unlovable runs so deeply for me. So very deeply.  I don't want to make that worse in him.  But I can't have him just stomping around my heart like an elephant at a watering hole.